Mary Kate

Here are the lyrics of DOIN' THE MANCH

DOIN' THE MANCH
(Keith Marsden)

I was eighteen when my dad first took me to a pub,
And I've never, ever seen him quite so mad.
"A pint of your usual, sir" the barman said,
But he was asking me, not Dad.
"Now if surfeiting the appetite will sicken and so die,
I'll not long have a boozer for a son.
They say there's twenty-seven pubs from here to Odsal Top
And tonight we'll have a pint in every one."
We kicked off at the Majestic. Little Alex kicked us out
When Dad said he was scared what he might catch.
We didn't mean to set on fire the White Swan and the Devonshire
But Dad was always careless with his match-es.
The Oddfellows knew we'd been. We caused a riot in the Queen,
But I was right till Dad said then:
"We should have had a nip in the Blue Lion and the Griffin,
So we'll have to go back down and start again.

"We should have had a nip in the Blue Lion and the Griffin,
So we'll go back down and do the Manch again."

We thought we'd make a start with a quiet game of darts
Before we'd gone a beer too far,
But we were slinging arrows in the Albany snug,
And the board was in the public bar.
There were arrows in the ceiling. There were arrows in the walls.
There were arrows in the barmaid's thigh,
Till a very ugly landlord with a very ugly club
Suggested we should both go forth and multiply.
Broken glasses they were counting as we slipped out of the Fountain
And the Toll Bar crowd were still in hot pursuit.
In the fighting, father all but killed the landlord of the Talbot
When the silly bugger criticised his suit.
And we were walking on our knees by the time we reached the Fleece,
But I was right till Dad said then:
"Like it, lad, or lump it, we have missed the Horse and Trumpet,
So we'll have to go back down and start again.

"We should have had a nip in the Blue Lion and the Griffin.
Like it, lad, or lump it we have missed the Horse and Trumpet,
So we'll go back down and do the Manch again."

Just then we chanced to meet a young lady of the street,
And Lord, had she some lovely wares to sell!
Unfortunately, Dad was somewhat sick upon her dog,
For after fourteen pints he wasn't feeling well.
As he searched for his teeth, he found the dog underneath,
Jumped back and knocked the poor woman flat.
"I've had pork pies, pints, pickled eggs and peas tonight,
But I can't remember eating that!"
Well, the Station and the Junction then both showed us no compunction
When they threw us in the street upon our ears.
We'd all sorts of hell on in the New Inn and the Nelson,
And we had the Wickham landlord close to tears.
As newts we were pissed as when we staggered into Listers
But I was right till Dad said then:
"Trouble now of course is, we forgot t'Waggon and Horses,
So we'll have to go back down and start again.

"We should have had a nip in the Blue Lion and the Griffin.
Like it, lad, or lump it, we have missed the Horse and Trumpet.
Trouble now of course is, we forgot t'Waggon and Horses,
So we'll go back down and do the Manch again."

Then Dad pinched a bulldozer so that we could ride in style,
But he flattened three police cars straight away.
His driving wasn't polished and in no time he'd demolished
Hong Kong Harry's corner Chinese take-away.
As the Chinee with his chopper chased us up to Chellow Street,
His nearness to my necktie wasn't nice.
When my breath began to steady, I said, "He were mad enough already.
Did you have to order curried cat and rice?"
We had Whitbread's. We had Webster's. We had Hammond's. We had Hey's.
We had John Smith's and Sam Smith's too.
We were right bloody gluttons with some OBJ by Dutton's
And Bass both red and blue.
We had Inde Coope and Allsop's and some Ramsden's that was all slops,
But I was right till Dad said then:
"We missed out all the Bentley's. We've not had a drop of Tetley's,
So we'll have to go back down and start again.

"We should have had a nip in the Blue Lion and the Griffin.
Like it, lad, or lump it, we have missed the Horse and Trumpet.
Trouble now of course is, we forgot t'Waggon and Horses.
We missed out all the Bentley's. we've not had a drop of Tetley's,
So we'll go back down and do the Manch again."

The police with a van cleared the Yorkshire Divan,
The landlord and his wife and kids as well.
The Foresters was quiet. There was not a sign of riot,
For the customers were all inside the cells.
There were Specials running up the street and firemen running down.
Troops and tanks were standing by at Odsal Top.
Some nuns who came to pray for peace just stayed to sober up the priest
Who'd got so drunk he tried to kiss a cop.
There was still a hue and cry in both the Woodman and Red Lion,
And the Craven Heifer tried to bar the door.
We thought we might get drunk if we'd another in the Truncliffe
So we thought we'd better have one to be sure.
As we fell through the doors, on all fours at Mary Shaws,
I was right till Dad said then:
"You can have a little rest, now you're halfway through the test.
Then we'll have to go back down and start again.

"We should have had a nip in the Blue Lion and the Griffin.
Like it, lad, or lump it, we have missed the Horse and Trumpet.
T'trouble now of course is, we forgot t'Waggon and Horses.
We missed out all the Bentley's. We've not had a drop of Tetley's.
You can have a little rest, now you're halfway through the test,
Then we'll go back down and do the Manch again."

Hope I got all the line breaks in the correct place!

Graham