Dick Greenhaus, you're quite amazing. Yes, it is in the People's Songbook, but all my searching didn't find it. The Si Kahn song follows the same line, but I had the feeling it wasn't the one. I'd swear I've heard a recording of this song, but I couldn't find one.

Since I spent 25 years as a federal investigator, this song has special meaning to me.

Words and music were by Harold Rome, who wrote a lot of good songs, but not many that sold very well. "Be Kind to Your Parents" and "Sing Us a Song with Social Significance" are two of his better-known songs.

-Joe Offer-

The Investigator's Song
(Harold Rome)

I've got a problem that is bothering me;
I've got a real unsolvable mystery;
It would stun G.K. Chesterton, Foil Conan Doyle,
Drive Sherlock Holmes to the wall;
Stump Humphrey Bogart and Bacall;

CHORUS:
Who's gonna investigate the man who investigates the man who investigates me?
I don't doubt my loyalty, But how about what his may be?
Who'll check the record of the man who checks the record of the man who checks the record of mine?
Seems to me there's gonna be an awfully long line.
One more problem puzzles me; Pardon my strange whim.
But who's gonna investigate the man who investigates the man who investigates him?

Who's gonna investigate the man who investigates the man who investigates me?
Maybe they won't like the face he's wearing;
Maybe he'll have too much brass.
Maybe he's a guy who's fond of herring;
Maybe he drinks tea from a glass.
Believe me, brother, that won't pass.
CHORUS

Who's gonna investigate the man who investigates the man who investigates me?
Maybe they won't like the books he's reading;
Or the way he wants to pray.
Maybe he won't have the proper breeding;
Maybe he ran T.V.A.
Believe me, brother, That's out-ray.
CHORUS

Who's gonna investigate the man who investigates the man who investigates me?
Maybe he's the kind does his own thinking;
Maybe tries to use his head.
Maybe he goes in for vodka drinking;
Maybe his corpuscles are red.
Believe me brother, Off with head.


Copyright 1947, by Harold Rome

Notes: "The Investigator's Song" was written for the PCA meeting in Madison Square Garden on March 31, 1947. The great comedian Zero Mostel crept out into the spotlight dressed in a Hawkshaw outfit, and armed with a huge magnifying glass. "Stop this affair," he shouted to the audience of 20,000 people, which included Henry Wallace and Frank Kingdon, among other speakers, "I have to make an investigation."

The tune is rather complicated, but I'll transcribe it if somebody asks me.

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Oh, Dr. Mark,....
Did you ever think of looking in the Digital Tradition for "Old Man Atom"???
(click)
(click)