Someone PM'd asking for the words to this Percy French song. As I'd gone to the trouble of typing them out, I figured I might as well past them here as well:

NO MORE OF YER GOLFIN' FOR ME

Through life I have played at the games that one can
At football I've played on the good Gaelic plan
You may miss the ball, but you must kick the man
Or else it won't count to your score
At cricket they never knew what I'd be at
My very first welt laid the bowler out flat
As they hadn't another I carried my bat
While they carried him home on a door

Chorus:
Golf! Golf! Carry me off, bury me down by the sea
The putters may put, still I'll not stir a fut,
No more o' yer golfin' for me

I'm an old-fashioned dog to be larnin' new tricks
But Murphy came round wid two bags full of sticks
At hockey you've one club, but here you have six
And that's a remarkable thing
Then Murphy drove off the wee ball, oh! Begor!
It rose through the air, till it looked like a star
The head of my driver'd have gone just as far
If it hadn't been tied with a string

Golf! Golf! Carry me off, bury me down by the sea
The drivers may drive, but dead or alive
No more o' yer golfin ' for me

When I got to the bunker, of clubs I'd just two
But one was a brass wan, says I, "That'll do
If the ball won't go over, I'll make it go through"
So I slashed and I hammered away
Then Murphy came up, and says he, "Ain't it grand"
Says I, "It's a game I don't quite understand
How much do they give here for shovellin' sand?
I'd like to get on by the day"

Golf! Golf! Carry me off, bury me down by the sea
The lofters may loft, still my sleep shall be soft
No more o' yer golfin' for me

While I stood on the green, I heard someone cry "Four!"
I paid no attention – that wasn't my score
I had done the nine holes in two hundred or more
When a ball hit the back of my head
With Maguire it's always a blow for a blow
I had just one club left – as I wheeled on my foe
'Twas a beautiful lady, Begor! 'Twas no go
"Did you see where the ball fell?" she said

Spoken: "Did I see?"
"No! I hadn't seen it exactly, but I understood it was somewhere adjacent. In fact to the best of my incapacity it was somewhere contagious"
I was goin' to pick it up and give it to her, when she said "Oh! Don't touch it. That's a lovely lie!"
Of course, when she said that, I saw she knew all about my broken head, so I told her how I'd laid off to give her a welt across the face.
That made us quite friendly at once, so I took her out of the firing line for a bit and axed her if we could not make a match of it.
She said her match was Colonel Bogey!
"Oh! Thim soldiers. We ceevilians don't have a chance!"

wr