An Open Letter To My (potential) Friend and Lover

All of us are little more than ignorant dolts who are trying to figure out how to live our respective lives. No heterosexual male totally understands what it is like to be a female or to think like one. The reverse is also true. Clues are few and unreliable. We all stumble our way through our relationships, often wishing there would be an epiphany through which the mysteries would be revealed. This miracle never happens, although vague glimpses sometimes come into view. Without additional guidance, what we are left with are contrived rules that are filled with exceptions, contradictions, paradoxes and ironies. They seem to create more problems than they solve and give almost no insight at all to the basic differences between us. And so it remains that the only way to keep from offending each other or hurting each other is through communication. Frank, straightforward communication helps me to understand your needs and concerns and helps you to understand mine. If you don't tell me what is on your mind, I am almost certainly destined to cause you some manner of discomfort. When you try to examine the reasoning behind my behaviour or demeanor, you quickly realize that you just can't imagine. You can't imagine because you are not of the same sex as well as because, more than likely, I have not communicated with you well enough for you to begin to understand. Again, the reverse is also often the case. I sometimes find that I cannot, for the life of me, understand what I did to offend, to hurt or to puzzle you.

I am writing you to ask that you try harder to communicate with me. I promise I will do the same. However, we both must realize that there will be times when we will do or say something that simply won't fit within the thinking of the other. We must realize that we cannot possibly be in sync much of the time and that we are sure to encounter difficult issues because of it. You are no more likely to totally understand me than I am to totally understand you. But if we make a genuine effort toward honest communication, we can shorten the gap enough to be able to enjoy each other for a long time to come.

At the root of this is that we must learn to be in touch with ourselves. I can't begin to tell you how I feel if I don't recognize it myself. You can't tell me what you want from me until you are in touch with your own feelings. It is my duty to you and yours to me to examine what is deep within and to express it openly. It is through this process that I hope you and I can set aside the rules and assumptions and create our very own framework for our relationship.

To say "I love you" is to say that I cherish all that you are and that I want to give to you as much as I can of what you think of as good. The first part is easy. The rest is something I cannot do without honest communication from you.