"Grateful Reader", as I read your first post, my heart went out to you when you asked 'What does one do when one partner has no desire to confront the lack of physical love ?' and when you talked of your 'pain of lack.' There is no lonelier place on this earth than a marriage bed with an invisible, but very tangible wall running down the middle of it. No moment more devastating than when you reach out your arms to hug someone and they stand there, with arms rigidly by their sides. When your eyes try to meet theirs as they walk into the house, but they will look anywhere but in your direction. Especially when those moments start to happen day upon day, night upon night, until you begin to realize that this has now become your normality.

I lived in such a marriage for longer than I should have. I so wanted it to be different, but my husband refused to talk about it at all. Whatever it was, it was something he could not face within himself, and he turned it around towards me, telling me I was dirty, I smelt, and he didn't want to touch my skin. When someone says that to you over and over, even though you know it isn't true, you start to believe it and get drawn into a dark, vicious circle.

You can only try so much. You can only offer love so much. As Allan has said, if one partner refuses to make any effort to communicate, there comes a time, for your own sanity and sense of self-worth, when you have to say to yourself "I deserve something much better."

For anyone reading this who recognizes any stage in this process happening in their marriage, do all you can to talk, talk, talk. As Amos says, dare to express your fears, your sorrows, your losses, with as much love as you can, whichever partner in the equation you are. Be prepared for any, or no, response. Welcome any response, and hopefully build on it. Welcome even a cruel response, like the ones I was given. They helped me to make my choices.

Find someone outside the marriage to talk to about it. If it does come to the time when you feel "I deserve something much better", then leave, knowing you have done everything and more.

That point came for me, after 14 years, when a friend said, quietly and simply, "Why do you stay ?" Nobody has to stay in such a situation. You DO deserve something much better, and the something better IS there for you, but it can take a lot of courage.

Sometimes I wish I could visit my former self, in my former life, just to give myself a hug and say "It's OK, it WILL be alright. You won't have to endure this forever." I have the opportunity now to do that here to anyone reading this, who recognizes themselves in anything I have written here. Wishing you a brighter future, soon, whichever way events unfold.