Well here's our favourite 50th birthday song, written by His Worship & The Pig. Not really suitable for a lady, unfortunately, but very funny. The tune, incidentally, is a hybrid: the verses are sung to the tune of 'In My Liverpool Home' and the chorus to the tune of 'A Pub With No Beer'.

You're Only As Old
(J Parton/D Boulton)

Now you're knocking fifty I'll bet you a quid
That your bodily functions don't work like they did
And to see yourself naked is a little distressing
Though your skin fits OK, it looks like it needs pressing.

Chorus:
So don't think that fifty's the end of the line,
That you've run out of track, and you've run out of time;
'Cos as long as you've got both your ardour and zeal,
You're only as old as the woman you feel.

Round about fifty you might be concerned
At the largish amount of your candle you've burned;
But the size of your candle don't matter a bit,
What's important is how long it burns once it's lit.

Chorus

And shortly you'll start growing hair once again,
In your armholes, and earholes, and holes I won't name;
But no-one's explained it, and I've never read
Why it grows down your nostrils, but not on your head.

Chorus

WHen you were just twenty-one all your girlfriends,
Used to say that you'd go like a Merceded-Benz;
Now they all say that your engine is slowing,
They start you by hand, then jump on once you're going.

Chorus

STOP PRESS!

I've just remembered that HW&TP's CD 'Look Back In Hanley' contains the following version just for the ladies. I'm a bit hazy on some of the words in the first verse.Can anyone help?

You've got lotions and potions and cream, you've got grease (?)
To cover each wrinkle and crinkly piece,
They fill all your closets(?) from the front to the back,
You've got more oil reserves than the whole of Iraq.

Chorus:
So don't think that fifty's the end of the line,
That you've run out of track and you've run out of time;
'Cos I've said it before,and I'll say it again,
It's not the men in your life, it's the life in your men.

Now you must have had implants, the odd tuck or two,
To keep that voluptuous shape that you do;
But too many facelifts, and just as you feared,
You'll end up with a curly triangular beard.

Chorus

Now some ladies at fifty, they may go so far
As to give up the habit or wearing a bra;
It don't add to your style, it don't add to your grace,
But it pulls all the wrinkles from out of your face.

Chorus

DR.

PS: HW&TP's website is worth a look. Its at

www.hisworshipandthepig.co.uk