The piano has been drinking
My neck is asleep
And the combo went back to New York
The jukebox has to take a leak
And the carpet needs a haircut
And the spotlight looks like a prison break
'Cause the telephone is out of cigarettes
And the balcony's on the make
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking

And the menus are all freezing
And the light man's blind in one eye
And he can's see out of the other
And the piano tuner's got a hearing aid
And showed up with his mother
And the piano has been drinking
The piano's been drinking

'Cause the bouncer is a sumo wrestler
Cream-puff Casper Milquetoast
And the owner is a mental midget
With an IQ of a fence post
'Cause the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking

And you can't find your waitress
With a Geiger counter
And she hates you and your friends
And you just can't get served without her
And the box office is drooling
And the barstools are on fire
And the newspapers were fooling
And the ashtrays have retired
And the piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
The piano has been drinking
Not me, not me, not me, not me, not me