I think you shold try and keep the line with the ship returning somehow in some form. It expresses a longing for the lass to see her loved one and seems to me to be part of the crux of the story even though she refuses him later. The imagery is very good.

Even though you actually mention her walking on the shore I still conjured up a picture of a woman on what I think used to be called a 'widows walk' the balcony of a house overlooking the sea port where often the captians wife would pace up and down looking for her husbands ship.

'Freed of' might work better than 'freed from'

Can I be your agent ;-)I'll make sure MMario pays his royalties and we can work out the percentages later just sign here _________