A pirate with a wooden leg, hook and eye patch goes into a bar on the quayside. After a few drinks he getting chatting to the barman.

"You look as though you've seen some action" said the barman. "How did to get the wooden leg?". "A cannonball blew it clean away" said the pirate. "And the hook?" asked the barman. "Cutlass fight, in a bar just like this one" was the reply. "What about the patch then?" "Aaargh" said the pirate, "A seagull shit in it". "You're winding me up" said the barman. "You cannot lose your eye if a seagull shits in it!".
"Yes you can lad, yes you can" said the the pirate wiping the patch with the hook.

I'll get my coat.............