yes, Jon, ditto that.

i hear ya: happy drugs can't change the way life is treating you. that's why depression is an illness with two causes, situational and chemical. in some cases, though, a situational depression can become a chemical one. your brain spends so much time marinating in unhappiness that it resets itself to maintain the feeling, regardless of what's going on around you. i would guess that's why people keep suggesting antidepressants for you.

if you've felt suicidal before and don't now, you must be doing something right. i wish you peace, jon, however you can find it.

emily