Here is the full transcript for the Two Ronnies "Gilbert and Sullivan" parodies. Just some trivia regarding this. There was an abbreviated version of this performed on the shows second series that omitted some of the best verses within the melody. A version was released on LP that contained everything bar the last verse. The last verse was included in a Christmas special they done in which the whole show was set in Edwardian times. Anyway, here is the full melody that includes all the verses… (Tune: "Here's a How-de-do") Hello how'd you do We are bringing you Songs by Sullivan and Gilbert Hope they're going to fill the bill, but Let us not waste time Let us start the rhyme (Tune: Yum Yum") We, won't Sing anything that is glum (Yum yum) For this is the season That gives us a reason For drinking and filling our tum (Yum yum) I must say it's alright for some I eat what I like and don't put on a pound I like what I eat; that is why I'm so round Just keep off the starches I've got fallen arches, With carrying this lot around (Tune: "The flowers that bloom in the spring Tra la") The flowers that bloom in the spring, tra la, Are blooming all over the place The girls in the chorus that sing, tra la, Each one is a beautiful thing, tra la, A flower of feminine grace, (A flower of feminine grace) There's Lily and Iris, and Daisy, and Rose There's also sweet William, but he's one of those, But our favourite flower She blooms by the hour At twenty-six Bloomsbury Place (Spoken: The next song is dedicated to my dear wife) (Tune: "Take a pair of sparkling eyes") Take a pair of bloodshot eyes And a nose that's round and red And a set of loose false teeth Picture two gigantic thighs And a pair of knobbly knees With enormous boots beneath Some men have pretty women To go ridin' with, or swimmin' Or parading round the park Not for me those smiles and dimples It's just bandy legs and pimples So, if I fancy a saunter, I go after dark Take a pair of rubber lips And a pair of bumpy hips And a voice just like a knife Like a knife, A complexion green as grass, it's a farce, Yet alas! That's what I see every day In my looking glass! (Tune: "Three little maids") Three little maids one night I met Each one a perfect little pet Popped to the pub for something wet Three little maids came too Three lemonades I ordered first That didn't satisfy their thirst Then I realised the worst Three lemonades won't do They said "Let us try champagne" Then they tried it once again "Now we'll try the beer" they said "Then we must be off to bed" Well… Fourteen pints and six gins later Went upstairs for a baked potato I woke up with the hotel waiter – The three little chicks had strayed Three little maids – unmade! (Tune: "Tit-Willow") A shy samurai went to London to buy Two blankets, two sheets, and a pillow And he married a maiden who first caught his eye At that firm run by Waring and Gillow There was never a subject they quarrelled about Of their love for each other there wasn't a doubt Till she wore a low neckline, 'twas then they fell out They willow, they willow, they willow (Tune: "A Policeman's lot is not a Happy one) There's a sailor lying drunk and feeling peaky Feeling peaky! In the gutter where the pavement kerb he grips Kirby grips! And he cries my boat the Pinafore is leaky Fore is leaky! What the navy needs is more efficient ships Fish 'n' chips! When Lord Nelson lay a-dying at Trafalgar At Trafalgar! What did the gallant captain Hardy do? Howdy Do! Oh he kissed his leader sadly on the poop deck On the poop deck! There has never been a fond caress so blue! Esso Blue! (Tune: "He is an Englishman") But now pray let us sing Of that patriotic thing That we call and Englishman A true blue Englishman Though beset by Income Taxes They clutch their Union Jackses And they wave them when they can From the Khyber to the Congo You will find a Pete or Pongo That Intrepid Englishman That ill-fated Celebrated Under-rated Dear Old Englishman (Tune: "Buttercup") Dear little buttercup Sweet little buttercup Nonsense of course you're not fat But dear little buttercup Life you left buttock up You've squashed my opera hat flat (Tune: "When I was a lad") When I was a lad of seventeen I took my girls upon the village green When I was a lad of twenty-one I took 'em in the hayloft which was much more fun Chorus: He took 'em in the hayloft which was much more fun But now I'm middle-aged you know I take 'em anywhere they want to go And when I'm old, why you can bet I'll have to take what I can get (Tune: "The Sunny Spanish Shore") Now it's Christmas once again Peace on earth goodwill to me And of course the ladies too They're the ones that see us through When the relatives all come Aunts and Uncles, Dad and Mum And the air begins to hum Very merry Christmas and the same to you What a very pretty bonnet, why it looks brand new Are you comfortable? Very Will you take a glass of sherry? It's so nice to see you merry, Oh, sit down please do (It's so nice to see you merry, Oh, sit down please do) When a trumpet blasts you ear You awake at 5 o'clock Then the children will appear With an orange in a sock And you wish that you were dead And they thump you on the head Till they get you out of bed And it's Look what Father Christmas brought along for me Can I have another sweetie from the Christmas tree And you try to mend a dolly While pretending to be jolly Then you sit upon some holly And you spill your tea (You sit upon some holly and its agony) Quite apart from noise and fuss What does Christmas mean to us? It's a thing that we can share It's a family affair When we're once more far away We will think about today And then perhaps we'll say Oh they Really did it nicely as it should be done There was such a lot of presents, and we all got one Such pretty snowy weather It was nice to be together Such a very merry Christmas, oh we did have fun! (Such a very merry Christmas, oh we did have fun!)
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