This came to me by way of a.h.b-o-u without attribution.
I think it pretty much sums up my level of respect for the Windows family of products (O/S's & Apps.)

WinFone98

"Oh my god, Mabel, call the police!"

Mabel picks up the receiver. The base unit pauses for ten seconds, then hard-drive noises emanate. In another ten seconds, a tinkling sound comes from the base unit as the display lights up with cute tiny telephones and the words "Microsoft Windows CE/PA". Mabel starts to dial, but the noises continue and no reaction is seen yet. Finally a dialing menu comes up. Mabel starts punching 9-1-1 again, but the base unit beeps annoyingly at each keypress and nothing happens. Mabel remembers and moves the handset away, looking for her glasses; she dons them and finds the eraserpoint and starts moving the cursor around. Slowly it goes over to the right, and Mabel pushes too soon; a list of telephone numbers comes up. The first eighty are 900 numbers for Microsoft Phone Support; she scrolls, hoping 911 will be in the list of nines. Finally she gives up and finds the menu box for direct number entry. She clicks in the box and starts to punch 9-1-1 again, but it beeps at her; she hasn't clicked the radio button for direct entry. This accomplished, she enters 911 in the number box.

The phone starts making crunching noises as the disk spins madly and the cursor turns into a clock-radio picture. Eventually a box appears over the dialing menu; it says "Loading 9 Resource. Please Wait..." Fifteen seconds later, the box changes to "Loading 1 Resource. Please Wait..." and in another fifteen seconds, "Loading Double-1 Resource. Please Wait..."

Finally a noise emanates from the handset; the phone has dialed what appears to be a very long number. Five anxious rings later, a voice says, "Thank you for calling Microsoft Emergency Headquarters. Please listen carefully to the instructions, because this menu has been changed recently. If you are ca" The "resource" boxes disappear from the display and the disk cranks some more as the phone loads the Microsoft Emergency HQ logo, which displays in ten seconds or so. Then the voice continues, "lling from a touch-tone phone, please dial 'MICROSOFT' now."

Mabel reaches for the 'M' button as a loud bang sounds. She looks over to see George falling to the floor, gutted by the .45 caliber bullet that went through his belly. The intruders have moved about half the basement furniture out to the truck now. She screams, then remembers the panic button on the alarm system.

Just then the alarm system display lights up with the "Microsoft Windows Alarm Manager" logo. She stares in blank numbness as the display slowly brings up several icons, then opens a large window that says "ALERT B604: Intruders detected in front yard." Well, of course they're in the front yard, she thinks. She reaches for the IRdA mouse in her nightstand drawer and moves the cursor to "Call Police". A new window opens up, displaying "Now opening communication channel to Microsoft Phone Manager... Please Wait." The receiver she dropped in haste starts saying "Attention, this call has been abor" The disk in the phone spins while the display loads the "Call Aborted" dialog; the phone waits for her to click "OK". She picks up the receiver and fumbles with the eraserpoint and gets it done. The receiver continues, "ted at the request of Microsoft Alarm Manager Communications. This voice channel is required to be cleared to enable emergency communications to the police department. Please hang up NOW." She does so; the disk spins; the display flashes "Opening communications channel... please wait". The alarm display begins to change, and a box displays "Communicating with Microsoft Phone Manager..."

Mabel hears a noise in the living room and peeks around the doorframe. The thieves have dropped a wrench while carefully packing the parts from the disassembled dining room table into a shipping frame. She turns back to hear the phone dialing again, and picks up the receiver. The alarm console begins to speak.

"Alert! Alert! Microsoft Alarm Manager has detected improper entry at the back door! Police will be alerted!" The disk spins as the phone displays "Aborting call... Channel needed for emergency communications". The Alarm Manager now displays "Now opening communication channel to Microsoft Phone Manager... Please Wait."

Mabel hears a truck engine start and doors slamming, some laughter and then the sound of the truck pulling away. She grabs for the receiver and hears "Chicago Police emer" *click* The disk spins in the phone, the Alarm Manager changes the display and announces, "Alert! Alert! Microsoft Alarm Manager has detected improper entry at the back door! Police will be alerted!" The phone displays "Aborting call... Channel needed for emergency communications". The Alarm Manager now displays "Now opening communication channel to Microsoft Phone Manager... Please Wait."

She hears a gurgle as her husband exhales his last breath. Hoping against hope that something will finally bring help rapidly, she reaches for the IRdA mouse and pushes the "Ambulance" button. Disks spin, then the Alarm Manager console opens a gray window saying "This Microsoft Alarm Manager program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down." She looks over to the phone display, now lit with "DIVIDE BY ZERO EXCEPTION" and a radio button that says "OK".

The room goes dark in two stages, each punctuated by the report of her husband's shotgun. A few seconds later, a passing squad car spits out two cops who draw their guns and proceed into the house to see what is happening. A telephone receiver flying through the doorway hits one in the chest, and they quickly subdue an incoherent Mabel and call for her ride to Madden.

AndyG