Diary of a Parrot

Day 983 - This morning one of my featherless slaves brought me a dish of canned fruit bits. Ick. Obviously someone has not been paying attention; this slave has not learned its lesson. I flung each tasteless piece against the wall and then overturned the dish. That was followed by a nap. I was awakened by the sound of a slave mumbling about me while cleaning up the fruit bits. I decided to tweak the creature's skin for its insolence. I was rewarded with instant cries of contrition.

Day 994 - Today the slaves allowed the dog upstairs to accompany them while I granted them an audience; now that I know the dog's name, it should be worth a few laughs to see just how relatively intelligent canines are...NOT! The cat, on the other hand, is a nasty, smelly hairball. It retches all over everything and mopes around. Today it wandered into my inner sanctum without my permission, before my agents could stop its entrance. I commenced shrieking at 20 decibels and flapped my wings for added effect. The slaves are still trying to dislodge the cat from the ceiling.

Day 1003 - Today I am teaching the slaves to speak with me. This is trying my patience. No matter HOW clearly I enunciate, they keep saying the same thing over and over to me. How annoying. Since when did bring more apple slices become good bird ?!

Day 1115 - It's a lovely day and the slaves are carrying my portable palace outside onto patio to enjoy the good weather. The dog is amusing. I am calling the dog's name and he thinks it is the male slave. I'm watching him press his sloppy wet nose against the glass, listening to his name being called. He's going crazy trying to obey the command...oops...almost fell off my perch laughing just now...

Day 1123 - This morning, while aloft on the curtain rod, I observed the feline scratching the furniture . I promptly sounded the Universal Avian Distress Signal. That nasty creature actually attempted to climb up the drapes to where I was seated! One of the slaves arrived just in time to catch the beast in the act and grab it by its nape and deposit it out the back door. Must have been the male slave; the cat was actually airborne for a few seconds.

Day 1134 - Today I was good-naturedly minding my slaves' offspring. They were attempting to mimic my speech. How endearing. I climbed around on their heads and pretended to make a nest with their hair, which they perceived as a great honor. Indeed. They will make good and obedient servants one day, I think. Now, I just need to make it clear to them that they should dispense with the canine and the feline post haste...