Spaw, you're right, but thems the rules - an engine of less than 1000cc capacity and costing less than 150 quid. However, some of our sponsors have kindly agreed to contribute their trade, so we're getting a micra with roll bars and a skid plate. I don't even know what a skid plate is.

There's also a prize for the most useless item brought on the rally. Someone brought a lawnmower with them, though it probably had a bigger engine than the heap of junk they were driving.

I should point out that my offroad skills involve transporting archaeology students in a leaky Landrover Defender with dodgy steering drift and ferrying celebrity television archaeologists to-and-from the train station on occasions. I believe this goes some way towards the 7 mountain ranges and 3 deserts we'll have to tackle. Possibly I'll need more bribes than I usually dole out in the south of England.

Well, I shall adopt Piece of Shit Car as another anthem for the journey, alongside Johnny Cash's I've been everywhere, the Pogues' version of Irish Rover and Ministry's Jesus Built My Hotrod.