Don't Put the Leopards on the Stage

Don't put the Leopards on the stage down at Orpington,
Don't put the Leopards on the stage
We don't mean to boast, or try to sound showy
But our standards were set when we launched David Bowie
And the tone that we set you can easily tell
For our boards were once graced by the young Ralph McTell,
Please, down at Orpington
On our knees down at Orpington
Don't put the Leopards on the stage.

Don't put the Leopards on the stage down at Orpington,
Don't put the Leopards on the stage
Their instrumental line-up is worthy of discussion
For whoever heard of one guitar - with percussion?
Tailors live in Orpington and music teachers too,
In elegant surroundings why be feeding at the zoo?
High class down at Orpington
(Pig's arse down at Orpington)
Don't put the Leopards on the stage.

Don't put the Leopards on the stage down at Orpington,
Don't put the Leopards on the stage
We know that they appeal to the folk Hoi Polloi
But us cognoscenti their antics just annoy,
We have to concede that their writing skills are vast
But their manner of delivery, it just leaves us aghast,
Gosh, down in Orpington
(Bosh! down in Orpington)
Don't put the Leopards on the stage.