While I was typing out the words to 'The Rest of the day....' I thought I might as well do this one too.

THE AMATEUR WHITEWASHER.
Words and music by Murray and Leigh.

I'm a very handy man, to save a bit of 'oof's my plan;
One day last week I said to my wife,'Our yard wants a wash, upon my life.
So I'll go and do the job.' and I did - so help me bob!
Made a pail of whitewash, set to work, and the old girl helped me like a Turk.

CHORUS.
Slap-dab, slap-dab, up and down the brickwork, slap-dab all day long,
In and out the corners, round the Johnny Horners, we were a pair of fair clean goners,
Slap-dab, slap with the whitewash brush - Talk about a fancy ball,
But I put more whitewash on the old woman than I did upon the garden wall.

The missis I must now confess, she put me in her old night dress.
Her night-cap, too, she made me wear, she was dressed like me, so we looked a pair.
She held up the pail so high, and I made that whitewash fly,
Every now and then I heard a squall, I was taking the old girl's face for the wall.

Feeling very dry just here, we went to get a drop of beer;
And the kids from the house next door - I think, attracted by the whitewash, came and had a drink,
There's got to be an inquest now, and I am in a dreadful row,
I have done with economic schemes, for every night in all my dreams, it's -

From the book 'Cockney Ding-Dong' edited by Charles Keeping and published by Kestrel Books 1975