Having scooted as quickly as possible through all the previous posts in this thread I was surprised that nobody seems to have mentioned that wonderfully gruesome dog parody to the tune of "The Lincolnshire Poacher", called "The Dog In The Microwave". Perhaps someone already has .......... if so my apologies.

THE DOG IN THE MICROWAVE
Words: Ken Johnson.
Tune : "The Lincolnshire Poacher"

There was a wife of Lincolnshire. To market she did go.
She took her dog for company across the ice and snow.
Returning from the market, they got drenched in freezing rain,
So she put her dog in the microwave to dry him out again,
Yes she put her dog in the microwave to dry him out again.

A passer-by saw the cloud of smoke and called the Fire Brigade.
The firemen cried, "Don't panic! We are here to give you aid.
No need to make a statement, for we know what you will say:
That you put your dog in the microwave—the second one today."
Oh, she put her dog in the microwave—the second one today.

A veterinary surgeon locally had an office on the street.
The wife begged him to resurrect this blackened lump of meat.
The surgeon started laughing. He guffawed, "This dog is wrecked.
If you put your dog in the microwave, what more do you expect?
If you put your dog in the microwave, what more do you expect?"

Her husband, he came from work, calling, "Honey, here I am.
Your cooking smells delicious. Is it chicken, pork or lamb?"
The wife began to tremble, and a tear came to her eye.
"Oh, I put the dog in the microwave, just like a slice of pie."
Oh, she put her dog in the microwave, just like a slice of pie.

The neighbours were inquisitive, and tactlessly enquired,
"We haven't seen your doggy. Has he recently expired?"
The wife was shaking terribly, and she began to howl,
"Oh, I put my dog in the microwave. I should have used a towel."
Oh, she put her dog in the microwave. She should have used a towel.

She went to see a medium, who charged a hefty fee.
She said, "We must communicate for the dog was dear to me."
An ectoplasmic dog appeared and started wailing like a ghost,
"OOOOOOOOh you put me the microwave and frazzled me to toast."
OOOOOOh, she put the dog in the microwave and frazzled it to toast.

She sued the manufacturers whose oven she had bought.
"These ovens are too dangerous," she sobbed in open court.
"You didn't read the manual," the lawyers said. "Just see:
If you put your dog in the microwave, it voids the guarantee.
If you put your dog in the microwave, it voids the guarantee."

The whole affair was featured on the early evening news.
The RSPCA complained of grievous dog abuse.
The Chinese correspondent sent a simple message back:
"If you put your dog in the microwave, it makes a tasty snack.
If you put your dog in the microwave, it makes a tasty snack."