For David - I couldn't stand it anymore, bought the album on eBay for five bucks and shipping. Here, at last, are the full lyrics:

HELLO MATER, HELLO PATER
(Busch-Sherman-Barnett)

I. As recorded by Terry-Thomas on "Terry-Thomas Discovers America" (1964) - YouTube.

Hello, Mater; Hello, Pater!
I shall mail this letter later.
Here am I at good old Eton.
Our athletic teams are almost never beaten.

We play rugby, where you kick it,
Then we take a crack at cricket.
If you buy a season ticket,
You could watch me kick it on a sticky wicket.

Loved your letter; it was thrilling.
Thank you for the extra shilling.
Eton's quaint and quite ironic.
They keep serving tea instead of gin and tonic!

Tell me, dear old darling mummy,
Is the chauffeur still as chummy?
And you, Pater, so majestic:
Have they caught you lately pinching the domestic?

BRIDGE: Don't feel blue.
O Mater, Pater, I miss you.
My life is complicated too.
I fired my valet today.
He left my vest unpressed.
Oh, I say!
We had a lovely hunt today,
Except for Cecil Hemingway.
He's such a clumsy ox!
His socks
Were eaten by the fox.

Is it true 'bout Lady Plinker?
I do hope so; she's a stinker.
How is Cedric? Oh, incident'lly,
Does he really keep his Austin in his Bentley?

I'm enjoying all my studies
Here with all my third-grade buddies.
I love Eton; Eton's heaven,
And just think, tomorrow I'll be 37!

[The following lyrics inserted by Jim Dixon.]
II. As recorded by Allan Sherman – YouTube.

Hello, Mater; Hello, Pater!
I shall mail this letter later.
Here am I at good old Eton.
Our athletic teams are scarcely ever beaten.

We play rugby, where you kick it,
Then we take a crack at cricket.
If you buy a season ticket,
You can watch me kick it with a sticky wicket.

Loved your letter; it was thrilling.
Thank you for the extra shilling.
Eton's quaint and quite ironic.
Must they serve us tea instead of gin and tonic?

Tell me, dear old darling mummy,
Is the chauffeur still so chummy?
And you, Pater, so majestic:
Has she caught you lately pinching the domestic?

BRIDGE: Don't feel blue.
O Mater, Pater, I miss you.
My life is complicated too.
My butler is decrepit.
He made my teapot too, too tepid.
Oh, I say!
We had a lovely hunt today,
Except for Cecil Hemingway.
He's such a clumsy ox!
His socks
Were eaten by the fox.

Is it true 'bout Lady Clinker?
I do hope so; she's a stinker.
How is Cedric? Oh, incident'lly,
Does he really keep his Austin in his Bentley?

I'm enjoying all my studies
Here with all my third-grade buddies.
I love Eton; Eton's heaven,
And just think, tomorrow I'll be 37!