I met Si Kahn many years ago in Nottingham. He had a sense of humour, so I reckon he won't mind this. But since Si doesn't come from the Commonwealth, I should add, in elucidation of the 2nd chorus, that Greg Matthews and Shane Warne are famous balding Aussie cricketers who were standard-bearers for hair-replacement therapy.

This song has only ever been performed in public twice (thank heavens). Come on Roy Bailey or Dick G....


IT'S NOT THE HAIR YOU'RE BORN WITH
(S. Wells)

You must know someone like him, pot-bellied, stunted, mean,
Body like a walrus, mind not sharp nor keen,
Sideburns like 2 feral hedges, twisted, messy, mad,
When he resorts to comb-overs and it all gets very sad.

CHORUS 1: It's not the hair you're born with; it's when you lose your hair.
It's not how much grows on your face, if your scalp is mostly bare.
Not the hair transplants you dream of, that you just can't afford;
It's how closely you can shave it so the bald spot goes ignored.

In all those youthful happy snaps, you looked virile, hirsute,
Wearing paisley shirts, purple flares and platform heels to boot.
What use is Hair 2000? It's hair that maketh man,
So you splash on sexy aftershave, as much as you can stand.

CHORUS 2: For what's the use of Brylcreem? What's there left to save?
What good's the finest hair oil, if there's nothing left to shave?
What good's Advanced Hair Studios? Greg Matthews and Shane Warne
May well have got their hair back, but yours is too far gone.

What's the use of a few long strands combed from left to right?
It's a blotchy, purpling, pimpled pate is all that they highlight.
I suppose there's always toupees now, but you'd like Elton John:
Accept you're challenged follically, shave off what's left, move on.

CHORUS 3: Cos it's not how many products you smear upon the dome;
It's more about what you remove with a Number 2 comb.
What's sprouting from your ears and nose is most of what remains.
It's not the hair you're born with; it's how much you can retain.