Hi LO

I thought long and hard before writing this – will it help? Are you getting too much advice too soon all at once? I don't know but for what it's worth here goes – feel free to ignore this or PM me.

I have spent quite a few years working in residential drug & alcohol rehab and during this time worked with partners/families affected by the drug usage so have some experience/ understanding of what you're going through.

Right now, you are not just condoning the lifestyle he has chosen, you are actively supporting it by providing, at the very least, a home for him to come back to thus making it easier for him to continue and to fool himself that things are not that bad. This is not criticising you in any way. You are understandably having difficulty in seeing a way out – but there are choices.

Can I suggest that you find a time and place where you are likely to be undisturbed for a couple of hours. Sit down and write him a letter. Tell him how and why you love him, tell him what you hate about him and his behaviour, tell him what this has done to you, to your marriage and to your life together. Tell him in great detail, what precisely you intend to do about it. Tell him of your plans, or if you don't have any yet, of your ideas about the home, the family, the friends, the joint finances. Tell him again of your love but also of your need to look after yourself first (and please believe me, if you don't look after yourself first, you will be left with no strength to continue or to do anything about the situation!)

When you have finished, hide it deep within your computer, so deep that he won't ever find it accidentally or otherwise. Those with more technical knowledge than I, can tell you how best to do that. Then begin to take action! When you need to, go back and read it again, to remind yourself of what you are doing and why. Amend it in the light of developments and experiences.

Very important - you don't have to go through this on your own. There is help out there.
I don't know where you are but if you were in the UK I would suggest Women's Aid for the chance to talk about wha you are going through and Citizen's Advice Bureau for practical help with finances etc. I'm sure there are similar organisations in other countries.

I hold a Master's Degree in Long Distance Hugging and there is a big and very reassuring one heading for you right now!

Eddie