These lyrics are listed at Make 'Em Laugh (monologues.co.uk):


THE ONLY GIRL I EVER LOVED
performed by Billy Bennett

The only girl I've ever loved was Aggie
I loved the girl for seven years or more
So I went to the house and asked for Aggie
The landlady, who met me at the door,

Chorus: Said, "Aggie doesn't live here any more
She went singing in the street she got so poor
She'd warble 'Annie Laurie' just to earn enough for meal
She was singing 'Annie Laurie' in a street in Gallashiel
When a lorry ran over Aggie and now she's singing 'Wagon Wheel'
But Aggie doesn't live here any more."

The only girl I've ever loved was Sally
I've loved that girl since eighteen ninety three
So I went seeking Sally down the Alley
And her grey-haired mother came and said to me,

Chorus: "Sally doesn't live here any more
She joined a circus troop and went on tour
She married a human skeleton. On Sally he was sweet
He hadn't got a bit of flesh, all bones from head to feet
And Sally's tried her hardest but she can't make both ends meet
So Sally doesn't live here any more."

The only girl I've ever loved was Rosie
She used to be a dancer in revue
So I went to the Hall and asked for Rosie
The stage-door keeper said, "I'm telling you,

Chorus: "Rosie doesn't dance here any more
They had a gas escape at number four
We heard a loud explosion and poor Rose was blown to bits
One ear came down in Rugby and in Crewe the part that sits
We found one leg in Bradford so we know she'd done the splits
But Rosie doesn't dance here any more."

The only girl I've ever loved was Louie
As a golfer Louie made herself a name
So I went to the links and asked for Louie
They said, "She's gone and she's played her last game."

Chorus: "But Louie doesn't golf here any more
She married some old boy of ninety four
He'd got a long white flowing beard. It looked like yards of fluff
They went upon their honeymoon but Louie's luck was tough
For when she jumped in bed at night she got lost in the rough
And Louie doesn't golf here any more."

The only girl I've ever loved was Nellie
In a cafe Nellie used to lead the band
So I went to the cafe seeking Nellie
And the boss said, "Nellie got quite out of hand."

Chorus: "So Nellie don't conduct here any more
She couldn't beat in time, and what is more
Each time she used to lead the band her beat went all astray
We had to sack poor Nellie, but we've had a note to say,
She's in Leicester Square and now her beat's improving every day
But Nellie don't conduct here any more."