Report:
So far, I'm still stranded. Hood remains unopened and I'm going to end up having to throw some money to a locksmith. (dammit!)

The bumper hole thing was a good idea. The latch release apparently really IS in there..but my sister couldn't trigger it. The car is in town (and I'm in the country) so I don't have access to it to see if I can lubricate or come up with a clever plan involving physics to open the cockadoody thing.

Thanks folks! There's a LOT of good, useful information here and I really appreciate every speck of it. I know it veers uncomfortably toward melodrama, but this dumb battery landed on a pile of enough other not-so-good stuff and served as a viable Last Straw.
Knowing where to find a sturdy handful of GoodGuys who don't mind helping others find ways to think through problems saved my bacon.
Thank you.


Locksmith early next week.