Murray

The words below are the version I sing and the song has been adapted foe an English audience, in the USA the words used in some of the excellent posts above are probably more acceptable you have to decide which arrangement you like.
I do not sing the fourth verse I think its a bit cruel funny yes but still to cruel. That's mainly because I sing to older people and I prefer the women in the audience on my side not looking for my blood.
As a song it works for me and I hope you have similar success.
Fantum

SENIOR'S LAMENT

Are you lonesome tonight, does your tummy feel tight.
Are you eating your all bran and prunes,
Does your memory stray to a bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth in your gums.
Is your hair line receding
Are your eyes growing dim,
Hysterectomy for her and prostate for him.
Does your back gives you pain do your knees predict rain.
Tell me dear are you lonesome tonight.

Is your blood pressure up Good cholesterol down
Are you eating your low-fat cuisine
All the oat bran and fruit X lax to boot
Helps you run like a well-oiled machine
If it's football or cricket He sure knows the score
Yes he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for
Has your gall bladder's gone does the gout lingers on
Tell me dear are your lonesome tonight.

When you're hungry he's not When you're cold he is hot
Then you start that old thermostat war
When you turn off the light
He goes left you go right
Then you get his great symphonic snore
He was once so romantic So witty and smart
How did he turn out to be such a grumpy old fart
So don't take any bets It's as good as it gets
Tell me dear are you lonesome tonight.

Are you lonesome tonight? Is your brassiere too tight?
Are your corsets all falling apart?
Does your big flabby chest wear two holes in your vest?
Does your spare tire reach up to your heart?
Are your stockings all laddered?
Are your shoes wearing thin?
Are your knickers held up with a big safety pin?
Are you frightened to yawn 'cause your teeth have all gone?
It's no wonder you're lonesome tonight

Are you lonesome tonight? If you are, serves you right,
I'm so lucky I've lost you at last,
I can still hear you roar wash the pots clean the floor,
Do the laundry and then cut the grass.
You took me for a boat ride, I had to swim back,
Darling I never thought, I'd get out of that sack.
If you fly in again
Park your broom and come in
Tell me dear are you lonesome tonight.

So, I'll miss you my pet, every chance that I get.
Tell me dear are you lonesome tonight.