One Liners (No. 16's my favourite)

1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

4. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

5. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

6. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

7. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

8. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

9. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself, "This changes everything."

10. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

11. Say what you want about deaf people ...

12. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

13. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

14. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

15. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

16. You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

17. Whiteboards are remarkable.