GAD!!! This just in:

SHAME MCBRIDE, CHONGO CHILD DIED IN LOVE NEST SUICIDE PACT

Shame McBride, the well-known drunk from Blind River, Ontario and Chongo Chimp, were found dead together several months ago. It was thought at the time that McBride had attempted to mug Chimp and things had gone wrong for both of them.

Police documents released today paint a different story.

Chimp became aware of McBride during a visit three years ago by McBride to Chicago. They were attracted to each other and became close.

One of the letters made it clear what attracted this alleged cross-species couple. Chimp wrote, "I love the way the grease in your hair makes [a sexual act] easier but I must remember to groom you beforehand." McBride responded, "Yeh and I like too feel yo doin it to."

Things did not go well and in late August or early September Chimp visited McBride in Blind River. They decide that "our kind of love is doomed" (in Chimp's word) and agreed to a suicide pact.

This was completed on October 8 and they were found linked in each others arms on November 1. The causes of death was listed as "anoxia" and "ingestion of fleas."

McBride is survived by his brother Donald of Blind River and Chimp is reported to have a sister working in customer service in the Northeast. No services are scheduled.

                      -- Igloolik "News and Sun", December 4, 2014
                         "Elliot Lake Standard", December 3, 2014