TWENTY YEARS
Words and music by Henry S. Creamer & J. Turner Layton, ©1917.
As recorded [recited] by Bert Williams, 1917.

Cruel Judge Grimes got his name because
For the simplest crimes, he could find ten laws.
Take the case of Samuel Jackson Boles,
Who slipped on a banana peel, fell into a hole.
He was hauled up before old Judge Grimes
Who charged Samuel with the following crimes:

Slidin' on the sidewalk without a permit,
Fallin' on and ruinin' whatever he hit,
Unlawful speedin'—and that ain't all—
Improper wigglin' just prior to the fall,
Breakin' the sabbath, and groanin' aloud,
Stoppin' the traffic and causin' a crowd,
Libel and slanderous talk when you fell.
You might 'a' said "heck" but it sounded like—.
Well, for that sake, twenty years.

"Counselor Jones," said old Judge Grimes,
"Take this man to jail for his awful crimes.
He's broken most ev'ry criminal rule,
'Cept habeas mallus, and that's stealin' a mule.

No, wait a minute; come here; let's have one more look.
Might be somethin' that I've left out, some other fine in the book—
Plus unlawful entry when in the coal-hole you went;
Next, removin' the lid without the owner's consent,
Breakin' your legs just to cheat and defraud,
And goin' to the hospital to keep from payin' board.
I'm gon' fine you ten dollars, and if you come up short,
I'll give you life for contempt o' court.
You ain't married, and that's defraudin' some bride,
And cruelty to old maids, and race suicide.
Forfeit life and twenty years.