My wife and I were talking about mummers' plays this afternoon, and I thought it might be nice to have a thread with a collection of scripts for mummers' plays. This one is from The Winter Solstice, a book by John Matthews.

THE OVERTON MUMMERS' PLAY
A TALE OF OLD CHRISTMAS

Dramatis Personae
FATHER CHRISTMAS
KING GEORGE
TURKISH KNIGHT
(a brave fellow)
THE DOCTOR
(a quack)
TWING TWANG
(a fool)

---

(ENTER FATHER CHRISTMAS)

FATHER CHRISTMAS
In comes I, old Father Christmas
Welcome or welcome not,
I hope old Father Christmas
Will never be forgot.

TWING TWANG
I hope he won't be here.

FATHER CHRISTMAS
Christmas comes but once a year
When it does it brings good cheer;
With a pocket full of money
And a cellar full of beer.
Roast beef plum pudding and mince pie.
Who likes them better than I?

TWING TWANG
I do!


FATHER CHRISTMAS
I don't know that you do my little fella.
But I want room, acres of room,
For after me comes King George, with all his noble train.
In this room there shall soon be a battle
More dreadful than ever was known,
Betwixt King George and the Turkish Knight.
Enter in King George, and boldly clear the way,
For old Father Christmas has only got
A short time for to stay.

(ENTER KING GEORGE)

KING GEORGE
In comes I, King George, so bold, so grand.
I do appear, with my old tribes and Britons
By my side. I am come to close this year.
Here is England's rights, here England's wrongs,

Here's England's admirations.
When I pull out my old trusty rapier,
Is there a man before me can stand
That I can't knock him down
With my created hand?

(ENTER TURKISH KNIGHT)

TURKISH KNIGHT
In comes I, the Turkish Knight,
Just come from Turkey Land old
England for to fight.
I'll fight thee King George,
That valiant man of courage bold,
Let the blood be never so hot
I'll shortly draw it cold.

KING GEORGE
'Twas I that fought the fiery dragon
And brought him to his slaughter,
And by that fight I hope to win
The Queen of Egypt's daughter.
If any man dare to enter this hall
I'll cut off his head and kick it about like a football!

(KING GEORGE AND THE TURKISH KNIGHT BATTLE AND THE TURKISH KNIGHT FALLS DEAD)

FATHER CHRISTMAS
King George, King George, what hast thou done?
Thou has ruined me by the killing of my son.
Oh, is there a Doctor to be found,
To heal this noble Turk a-bleeding on the ground?

(ENTER DOCTOR)

DOCTOR
Oh Yes, Oh Yes, there is a Doctor to be found
To cure this noble Turk a-bleeding on the ground.

FATHER CHRISTMAS
What can you cure, Doctor?

DOCTOR
I can cure the itch, the stitch, the palsy and the gout,
The raging pain within and the raging pain without.
If the devil's in a man, i'll fetch him out.
Give me an old woman, four score and ten,
With scarce a stump of a tooth in her head,
I will make her young and plump again.
More than this. If she falls downstairs and breaks her neck,
I'll settle and charge nothing for my fees.
Recollect I'm not like one of those bony quack doctors
Who runs from door to door telling a pack of lies,
I will shortly raise the dead before your eyes.

KING GEORGE
Where have you been learning all these things, Doctor?

DOCTOR
I've been to England, Ireland, Scotland and Dover,
I've traveled the wide world over.

KING GEORGE
What is your fee, Doctor?

DOCTOR
Ten guineas is my fee. Thee being a poor man,
Half of that I'll take of thee.

KING GEORGE (HANDING HIM SOME MONEY)
Take that and cure him.

DOCTOR
I've a little bottle in the waistband of my belt
Called "The Golden Frosty Drop"
A little to the eye, a little to the thigh,
A little to the string bone of the heart,
Rise up, thou noble Turk, and try to stand.
See the time of day.
After you've one, put out your tongue,
And let's hear what you can say.

(THE DOCTOR ADMINISTERS A LARGE DOSE OF HIS CONCOCTION,
AT WHICH THE TURKISH KNIGHT JUMPS UP ALIVE AGAIN.)

FATHER CHRISTMAS
Well done, my little man.
Thee aren't like those old quack doctors.
Thee does the work all right my lad.
Will thee have the money now
Or stop here till thee get's it?

TURKISH KNIGHT
Now see, King George, I've risen again.
How long have I been on that old floor?
I've been hurried and scurried,
I've been dragged from door to door.
Pick me up a stranger,
Knock me down a blow,
Wherever I'd have been if the ground hadn't caught me
I do not know.

SOMEONE THEN PARADES AROUND THE SPECTATORS WITH A BOX, AND THE COMPANY JOINS IN SINGING

ALL
Good Master and Mistress,
As you sit by the fire,
Remember us poor ploughboys
That run through mud and mire.
The mire it is deep,
And we travel far and near,
We will thank you for a Christmas Box
And a mug of your strong beer.


This version of the play was recorded by George Long in the village of Overton in Hampshire, England, around 1930, though it probably dates from around 1850 and in its original form as early at the twelfth century. It has been edited by John Matthews.