Things My Mom Taught Me

(An oldie but a goodie!)

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me irony: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about contortionism: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about stamina: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about weather: "It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve physics problems: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you -- would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about hypocrisy: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"