OK, so here goes:

BERNARD'S MOTOR CAR
(as recorded by 1812 - Derek Craft & Geoff Bodenham)
[melody: Grieg's 'In the Hall of the Mountain King']

Bernard bought a motor car, motor car, motor car,
Bernard bought a motor car for driving in the country.
Bernard bought a motor car, motor car, motor car,
Bernard bought a motor car for driving in the country.

Only cost him 8 pound ten, 8 pound ten, 8 pound ten,
Only cost him 8 pound ten, including the insurance.
Only cost him 8 pound ten, 8 pound ten, 8 pound ten,
Only cost him 8 pound ten, including the insurance.

Body work was not too good, not too good, not too good,
Body work was not too good, and all the tires were dodgy.
Body work was not too good, not too good, not too good,
Body work was not too good, and all the tires were dodgy.

His first trip went rather well, rather well, rather well,
His first trip went rather well, until he reached a hill.
His first trip went rather well, rather well, rather well,
His first trip went rather well, until he reached a hill.

Car began to pick up speed, pick up speed, pick up speed,
Car began to pick up speed, much to his consternation.
Car began to pick up speed, pick up speed, pick up speed,
Car began to pick up speed, much to his consternation.

Pushed the brake down to the floor, to the floor, to the floor,
Pushed the brake down to the floor, but still the car went faster.
Pushed the brake down to the floor, to the floor, to the floor,
Pushed the brake down to the floor, but still the car went faster.

Grabbed the handbrake, pulled it hard, pulled it hard pulled it hard,
Grabbed the handbrake, pulled it hard, it came off in his hand.
Grabbed the handbrake, pulled it hard, pulled it hard pulled it hard,
Grabbed the handbrake, pulled it hard, it came off in his hand.

Slammed it into second gear, second gear, second gear,
Slammed it into second gear, the engine fell to pieces.
Slammed it into second gear, second gear, second gear,
Slammed it into second gear, the engine fell to pieces.

Then he saw a herd of cows, herd of cows, herd of cows,
Then he saw a herd of cows, a-blocking up the roadway.
Then he saw a herd of cows, herd of cows, herd of cows,
Then he saw a herd of cows, a-blocking up the roadway.

[Shout: Look out! Look out!]
Bernard shouted, but the cows just didn't seem to hear.
[Shout: Look out! Look out!]
Steered towards the duck pond [oh, damn, I can't make this line out]...with a sneer.

[Musical interlude, a la Grieg]

Now Bernard's bought himself a pedalcycle for 27 pound 10.


Thanks to the nice person who sent me an MP3 of The Truth About 1812