A different song than was wanted, I suppose, but I enjoyed it:

The joke here is that "far canal," spoken in the right accent, sounds like "fuckin' hell."

My transcription from YouTube:


FAR CANAL
Written by Chris Wright
As recorded by Patchwork

1. Johann was a young man livin' by the Zuiderzee
In the land of bicycles and tulips, cods(?) and Edam cheese.
Oh, he lived afloat in a little boat upon the near canal,
And his true love she lived far away upon the far canal.*

CHORUS: Far canal (far canal), far canal (far canal),
Oh, his true love she lived far away upon the far canal,*
Far canal (far canal), far canal (far canal),
And as sure as there are ladies here, we would not swear at all

2. Johann went a-courtin' in the springtime of his life.
He set off in his little boat to date his future wife.
He'd take a three-hour journey just to kiss his pretty gal,
And the moon shined bright on lovers' night upon the far canal. CHORUS

3. They soon got wed and off to bed the lovers they did go.
When Johann dropped his trousers, his dinghy touched the floor.
She smiled at him; he said: "Uh-uh, that's not for you at all,
'Cause I use it as a rudder, sailing up the far canal." CHORUS

4. Nine months they flew and farther(?) too, a little boy was born.
He looked just like his daddy, even to his Willie-John.
He wasn't bad; just like his dad, the boy was very nautical,
And he used it as a rudder sailing up the far canal. CHORUS


* The last line of each verse is repeated as the second line of the chorus.