BOOBS
As recorded by Ruth Wallis.
(Lines in parentheses are spoken, not sung, while the music pauses.)

You gotta have boobs
If you want to impress tycoons and rubes.
You need boobs to fill out a sweater.
You need two, but three might be better.
(That's one in the back for dancing.)

You gotta be stacked.
Hey, you gotta be grouped, individually packed.
For with boobs you can start a romance off,
Make a man stand right up and take his hat off.
(I know it doesn't rhyme, duckie, but it does keep me legitimate.)
To make a pull for the earth and mother,
Even a cow has to show her udders.
You gotta have boobs—
B. O. O. B. S.

Some push 'em up; some stick 'em up out,
And some keep 'em flappin' in the breeze.
Some tie them down, because if they don't,
They would hang to their knees,
Just to tease.

You gotta have boobies
If you want men to offer diamonds and rubies.
Why, even a tennis player would knock his balls out
(Over the net)
For a chick who fills each cup until it falls out.
Big small or medium or oversized,
They've all got that flavor, and it's homogenized.
You gotta have boobs—
B. O. O. B. S.

Now some have enough, and some have too much,
And some like me could stand a whole lot more.
Some are like watermelons, and some are like grapes,
And some are like knobs upon the door.
What's your score?

You've gotta be filled.
Two fried eggs will never grab him like grapefruits will
(And they're both breakfast foods);
But listen, girls: don't try to fool your lover.
Remember, he can go to Goodyear if he wants rubber.
Some men are leg men and some are behind men,
But if he's a boobs man, even a blind man'll find 'em.
You gotta have boobs.
B. O. O. B. S.

(Do you think it's easy to write songs like this? Lots of research!)

Just think if all the girls with boobies were fluoridation.
We could take the cavities out of the whole darn nation.
A nibble a day keeps the dentist away.
Alte kakers^[1] like big knockers.
(This goes over great in Israel.)

You've gotta have boobs.
{So be kind to your flat-chested friend.
Tomorrow she may be bigger than you are.}^[2]
{You start out with A-cup and wind up with E-cup.
Silicone's a girl's best friend.}^[3]

[1 Alte kaker (Yiddish) – literally, "old shitter," equivalent to "old fart."
2 Tune for these 2 lines: "Stars and Stripes Forever."
3 Tune for these 2 lines: "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend."]