COOKHOUSE SERENADE As recorded by George Formby, 11-Oct-1942. Now Jimmy Jones he came home from camp, you know; and he walked with a military swing. He did look well; he said: "Army life, why, it was great, except for just one thing." Mama used to say: "Please peel those potatoes." Did I peel potatoes? No! Now the sergeant yells: "Hey, peel those potatoes!" And I peel, I peel, I peel, I peel, I peel, I peel, I peel. Grandma used to say: "Please slice those tomatoes." Did I slice tomatoes? No! Now the corporal yells: "Hey, slice those tomatoes!" And I slice, I slice, I slice, I slice, I slice, slice, slice, slice, slice. My uniform is an apron; I'm learnin' to cook and bake. Now when I get out o' the army, what a wonderful wife I'll make! Papa used to say: "Please sweep up the kitchen." Did I sweep the kitchen? No! Now the captain yells: "Hey, sweep up the kitchen!" (He sweeps, he sweeps, he sweeps, he sweeps.) That's the cookhouse serenade. Father used to say: "Please stick up a notice." Did I stick the notice? No! Now the sergeant yells: "Hey, stick up that notice!" And I stick, I stick, I stick, I wish he'd stick it up himself! When a girl asks for a lift in the rollo(?), Do you think I refuse her? No! And she likes the way I handle the chassis, And the clutch I clutch with nimble touch; I clutch, I clutch, I clutch. When I was cleanin' me windows, I would look in to see who's who. Now the only thing that I look in is a saucepan of army stew. Teacher said: "What shall we do with you, Georgie?" Did I tell the teacher? No! Now the cook says: "What shall we do with the porridge?" So I tell him what to do with it. That's the cookhouse serenade. Now I told my girl I'd keep off the ladies. Did I keep me promise? No! When she wrote: "What have they got that I've not got?" I replied: "Oh, now, but, dear, they've got it here; they've got it here." In the army sometimes you'll hear 'em swearin'. Do you hear me swearin'? No! But the things I think concernin' the sergeant, He's an [*], he's an [*], he's an [*], he's an [*], he's an [*], he's an [*], he's an [*]. My uniform is an apron; I'm learnin' to cook and bake. Now when I get out of the army, what a wonderful wife I'll make! In the laundry they say: "Please press all the blouses." Did I press the blouses? No! Now the ATS say: "Will you press all our blouses?" And I press, I press, I press, I press. That's the cookhouse serenade. [*] represents a one-syllable donkey [or ass] braying sound. ATS, pronounced "ats," Auxiliary Territorial Service, the women's branch of the British Army from 1938 to 1949.
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