THE DOUBLE EVENT!

TEUN- "A Nice Young Man."

DICK wes a chep that stuck at nowt,
If it wad only pay;
He got an agent's job for beer,
An' myed brass i' that way.
He liked te swagger throo the toon,
An' call at ivry bar;
An' he seun got celebrated
As a trav'ler near an far.
He quickly myed a roarin trade,
An' drove his gig quite smart;
He wad seun be independent
Wi' myekin such a start :
At least he thowt se; so he'd try
Te myek his profits mair :
He'd hev a hand in sumthing else,
What at he diddent care.
But startin bissniss for he'sel
Stuck firmly in his mind;
He'd try a one that waddent fail
The undertakin kind.
An' so he did: he teuk a shop
Built in a weel-knawn street,
Exposin i' the windows there
New coffins te yor seet.
Ay, coffins! bonny handled, tee,
An' breest-plates, met yor view;
Ye cud stand an' calculate yor fit
An' this is really true.
He'd sell his beer te customers,
An' when thor life wes spent,
He'd coffins ready, gud an' cheap,
Wi' joiners kindly sent.
Thor's sum men hes a narve for owt,
If munny they can make;
Thor not porticklor what it is,
If it 'ill only take.
Te think a man shud deal i' beer,
An' deal i' coffins, tee,
Might shock the strangest vulgor mind;
But it's a fact, ye see!
Dick's frinds an'.foes wes a' surprised,
They thowt he'd seun repent;
An' for a lark they chris'end him
"The Double Greet Event! "
But Dick gets on-the Deevil's frind,
His smile it's always grim;
He knaws when he cums tiv his bier,
A coffin waits for him.

The above can also be used as a Recitation.

-Source: Joe Wilson, (author) Songs and Drolleries, 1890