This was written by the excellent Kentish songwriter Monty Parkin, who is now sadly beyond the reach of lawyers' letters....

I wore my pants from Marks and Spencers,
And made pretences
That they would do
But in my mind I felt contrary,
They were so lairy,
Not a nice plain blue.

Far far away, my wife's aunt Elsie,
Who lives in Chelsea,
Sent them to me.
And so I sat through the Christmas season,
With my new undies on,
And watched TV.

A crashing bore, the same old drag,
When it was done, I grabbed a bag,
I went down to Marks and Spencers,
I was not alone...

'May I return these pants please, missus?
They're all right for cissies,
Not for us real men.'
She looked at me a trifle weary,
'I suppose so, dearie!'
And I went home again.

Give me my dull old pants, give me my dull old pants!
Give me my dull old pants, give me my dull old pants!