Mr catspaw49,

I tried your sander suggestion.

I had considerable trouble finding a suitable bonding agent to both hold my ten pound craftsman to my somewhat greasy ass, and not cause considerable rash development to my skin.

I finally settled on four sizable straps of duct tape (what else--I AM a midwesterner). I even found that I could buy different colors of duct tape so that my outfits can be coordinated.

I had to also swallow my pride and shave my upper legs, ass, and pubic regions so as to be able to remove said sander while I wasn't singing

I did however achieve the desired results. I sounded like a veritable munchkin with rapidfire vibrato at the upper speeds. When I tried the lower settings I was pleasantly surprised to find my voice had a marked resemblence to Paul Robeson--well, the sander sort of did.

side benefits?

My ass has never been so baby-smooth and my wife can't keep her hands off of it (nor her eyes off my newly bald mouse).

I've been able to refinish my living and dining room floors while working my way through the Cole Porter songbook.

I may not get a big label recording contract but I've been in negotiations with Sears and Roebuck for a sander endorsement deal.

Some things were just meant to be.