THE SAGA OF ESKIMO NELL 1. WHEN MEN GROW OLD THEIR BALLS GROW COLD AND THE END OF THEIR NOBS TURN BLUE THEY LOOK BACK ON A LIFE OF YUKON STRIFE AND CAN TELL YOU A THING OR TWO 2. SO BUY ME A DRINK AND I WILL THINK AND A WONDERFUL TALE I WILL TELL OF DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE AND A HARLOT NAMED ESKIMO NELL 3. I`LL TELL YOU A TALE OF THE YUKON WHERE IT`S FIFTY DEGREES BELOW WHERE IT`S SO DAMN COLD FRENCH LETTERS ARE SOLD WRAPPED UP IN BUNDLES OF SNOW 4. WHERE SKELETONS RATTLE IN SEXUAL BATTLE NEATH THE LIGHT OF THE ARCTIC NIGHT IT`S ONE LONG FUCK FROM DAWN TO DUSK AND THEIR PARSON AGREES THAT IT`S RIGHT 5. AYE A PLACE WHERE THERES PLENTY OF SEX LIFE AND FOLKS THAT ARE STERILE ARE FEW WHERE ALL THE WHORES WEAR FUR-LINED DRAWS AND THE BROTHELS ARE ICEBOUND IGLOOS 6. AWAY ON A FAR DISTANT ICE CAP DWELT A FLOZZIE OF NATIONWIDE FAME SHE WOULD TAKE FRONT OR BACK IN A LITTLE WOOD SHACK AND ESKIMO NELL WAS HER NAME 7. NOW IN THE SLUMP OF THIRTY ONE WHEN WAGES WERE RATHER POOR THE PRICE OF FUCK WAS HALF A BUCK WHICH DOESN`T MUCH DO A WHORE 8. YES THE SLUMP HIT POOR NELL GOOD AND PROPER SHE DECIDED TO LEAVE HER LAND SHE FOUND OUT WHERE THE PRICES WERE HIGHER AND SET OUT FOR THE RIO GRANDE 9. THE SCENE SHIFTS TO THE GREAT BEAR LAKE A PLACE WHERE ITS EQUALLY COLD WHERE IN A SHACK IN THE BACK OF BEYOND THERE LIVED TWO TRAPPERS BOLD 10. WHEN DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE WERE UNABLE TO FIND A WHORE IT WAS PETE THE CUNT WHO BORE THE BRUNT WHICH MEANT THAT HIS ARSE WAS SORE 11. NOW DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE HAD BEEN WORKING DEAD MANS CREEK AND THEY`D HAD NO LUCK BY WAY OF A FUCK FOR WELL NIGH OVER A WEEK 12. JUST A MOUSSE OR TWO OR A CARIBOU OR A BISON ASTRAY OR SO BUT DEAD EYED DICK WAS THE KING OF PRICKS AND HE THOUGHT SUCH FUCKING SLOW 13. SO DEAD EYED DICK WITH HIS MIGHTY PRICK AND PETE WITH HIS GUN IN HIS HAND LEFT DEAD HAND CREEK FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK AND MADE FOR A BETTER LAND 14. AND AS THEY BLAZED THEIR RANDY TRAIL NO MAN THEIR FIRE WITHSTOOD AND MANY A BRIDE WHO WAS HUBBIES PRIDE SAW PREGNANT WIDOWHOOD 15. THEY HIT THE SHORES OF THE RIO GRANDE AT THE TOP OF A BLAZING NOON AND TO SLAKE THEIR THIRST AND DO THEIR WORST THEY SOUGHT BAD MIKES SALOON 16. THEY STOPPED TO SURVEY THE PROSPECTUS OF PRICES PER PERSON PER WHORE A CENT A THRUST TILL THE MAIDENHEAD BUST AND THEREAFTER TWENTY CENTS MORE 16. THEN AS THEY CRASHED THROUGH THE SWINGING DOORS BOTH PRICK AND GUN FLASHED FREE ACCORDING TO SEX YOU DRUNKEN WRECKS YOU DRINKS OR FUCKS WITH ME 17. THEY KNEW THIS TRICK OF DEAD EYED DICK FROM THE HORN TO PANAMA SO WITH NOTHING WORSE THAN A MUTTERED CURSE THE DAGOS ALL SOUGHT THE BAR 18. THE WOMAN ALL KNEW HIS PLAYFULL WAY FROM CAPE CODE TO THE RIO GRANDE SO FORTY WHORES PULLED DOWN THEIR DRAWERS AT DEAD EYED DICKS COMMAND 19. THEY SAW THE FINGERS OF MEXICAN PETE TWITCH ON THE TRIGGER GUARD AS NONE DARED WAIT AT THEIR FASTEST RATE THEY ALL BEGAN TO DISCARD 20. MEANWHILE DICK WAS BREATHING QUICK WITH LECHEROUS SNORTS AND GRUNTS AS FORTY ARSES BROUGHT TO VIEW TO SAY NOTHING OF FORTY CUNTS 21. AND AS YOU`LL SEE IF YOU USE YOUR WITS AND YOU`RE GOOD AT ARITHMETIC FORTY ARSES AND FORTY CUNTS MEAN ALSO EIGHTY TITS 22. NOW FOUR SCORE TITS ARE A WONDERFULL SIGHT TO A MAN WITH A MIGHTY STAND IT MAY BE RARE IN BERKELEY SQUARE BUT IT AINT ON THE RIO GRANDE 23. DEAD EYED DICK HAD FUCKED A FEW THE LAST PRECEEDIN NIGHT BUT HE`D JUST DONE THIS BY WAY OF FUN KINDA WETTING HIS APPETITE 24. HIS PHALLIC LIMB WAS IN FIGHTING TRIM HE BACKED UP AND TOOK A RUN HE MADE A JUMP AT THE NEAREST CUNT AND SCORED A HOLE IN ONE 25. HE BORE THAT WHORE TO THE SANDY FLOOR AND FAIRLY FUCKED HER FINE AND THOUGH SHE GRINNED IT FAIR PUT THE WIND UP THE OTHER THIRTY NINE 26. NOW DEAD EYE DICK HE FUCKS EM QUICK SO HE CASTS THE FIRST ASIDE HE MAKES A DART AT THE NEAREST TART WHEN THE DOORS OPENED WIDE 27. AND THERE ENTERS INTO THAT HOUSE OF SIN INTO THE HARLOTS HELL A LUSTY MAID WHO WAS NOT AFRAID AND HER NAME WAS ESKIMO NELL 28. DEAD EYED DICK HAD JUST GOT HIS PRICK WELL INTO NUMBER TWO WHEN ESKIMO NELL LET OUT A YELL AND SHOUTED TO HIM HI YOU 29. HE GAVE A FLICK OF HIS MUSCULAR PRICK AND THE GIRL FLEW OVER HIS HEAD AS HE TURNED ABOUT WITH A SNARLING SHOUT HIS KNEES AND KNOB GLOWED RED 30. WITH A LUSTFUL LEER HE SAID LOOK HERE NOW TAKE YOUR PLACE IN THE QUEUE I`VE GOT TO MATE WITH THE THIRTY EIGHT BEFORE I COME TO YOU 31. BUT ESKIMO NELL SHE STOOD IT WELL AS SHE LOOKED HIM BETWEEN THE EYES AND SHE GAZED AT HIS HORN WITH FATHOMLESS SCORN AS IT ROSE FROM HIS HAIRY THIGHS 32. SAID ESKIMO NELL TO DEAD EYED DICK IN ACCENT CLEAR AND COOL YOU CUNT STRUCK SHRIMP OF A YANKEE PIMP YOU CALL THAT THING A TOOL 33. IF THIS LITTLE TOWN CAN`T TAKE THAT DOWN SHE SNEERED TO THE CROWD OF WHORES THERE`S ONE LITTLE CUNT THAT CAN DO THE STUNT THATS ESKIMO NELLS NOT YOURS 34. SHE BLEW A WHIFF FROM HER CIGARETTE ACROSS HIS STEAMING KNOB AND SO UTTERLY BEAT WAS MEXICAN PETE THAT HE CLEAR FORGOT HIS JOB 35. SHE STRIPPED HER GARMENTS ONE BY ONE WITH AN AIR OF CONSCIOUS PRIDE AND AS SHE STOOD IN HER WOMANHOOD THEY COULD ALL SEE THE GREAT DIVIDE 36. SHE LAID HERSELF ON A TABLE TOP WHERE SOMEONE HAD STOOD A GLASS WITH A FLICK OF HER TITS CRUSHED IT TO BITS TWEEN THE CHEEKS OF HER MIGHTY ARSE 37. SHE FLEXED HER KNEES WITH SUPPLE EASE AND SPREAD HER LEGS APART WITH A FRIENDLY NOD TO THE RANDY SOD SHE GAVE HIM HIS CUE TO START 38. HE WINKED HIS ARSEHOLE ONCE OR TWICE AND HIS BALLS INCREASED IN SIZE AND HIS MIGHTY PRICK GREW TWICE AS THICK AND NEARLY REACHED HIS EYES 39. HE POLISHED IT UP WITH ALCOHOL TO MAKE IT STEAMING HOT AND TO FINISH THE JOB HE SPRINKLED THE LOT WITH CAYENNE PEPPER POT 40. HE DIDN`T RUN NOR TAKE A FLYING LEAP HE DIDN`T SWOOP BUT SEEMED TO STOOP AND ADVANCED WITH A STEADY CREEP 41. WITH PIERCING EYES HE LAID A SIGHT ALONG HIS MAMMOTH TOOL AND THE DEAD SLOW WAY HE PUT IT IN WAS CALCULATING AND COOL 42. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE PISTONS WORK ON A GIANT C.P.R. WITH THE DRIVING FORCE OF A THOUSAND HORSE THEN YOU KNOW WHAT PISTONS ARE 43. YOU THINK YOU DO BUT I`M TELLING YOU YOU HAVEN`T GOT A CLUE OF THE WORK THATS DONE ON A NON-STOP RUN BY DEAD EYED DICK MCGREW 44. BUT ESKIMO NELL WAS A BROAD HIPPED BELLE WITH A REALLY THOUGH CONSTRUCTION SHE`D THE STRENGTH OF TEN IN HER ABDOMEN AND A PARALYSING SUCTION 45. AMIDSHIPS SHE COULD STAND THE STRAIN OF A FLUSH LIKE A WATER CLOSET AND SHE GRIPPED HIS COCK LIKE A CHATWOOD LOCK IN THE NATIONAL SAFE DEPOSIT 46. NOW DEAD EYED DICK DIDN`T MEAN TO COME AND HE MEANT TO SAVE HIS POWERS FOR IF HE`D A MIND HE COULD STAND A GRIND FOR NIGH ON A COUPLE OF HOURS 47. NELL LAY FOR A WHILE WITH A DREAMY SMILE TILL THE THROB OF HER CUNT GREW KEENER THEN WITH A RAPTUROUS SIGH SHE SUCKED HIM DRY WITH THE EASE OF A VACUM CLEANER 48. AND NOW MY FRIEND WE COME TO THE END OF THIS COPULATING EPIC THE EFFECT ON DICK WAS SHORT AND QUICK AND AKIN TO ANAESTHETIC 49. HE DROPPED TO THE FLOOR AND KNEW NO MORE HIS PASSION EXTINCT AND DEAD GIVING ONE LOUD SHOUT AS HIS TOOL CAME OUT AND THEY KNEW SHE HAD STRIPPED HIS THREAD 50. THEN MEXICAN PETE JUMPED TO HIS FEET TO AVENGE HIS PAL`S AFFRONT HIS LONG NOSE COLT WITH A TEARING JOLT HE RAMMED RIGHT INTO HER CUNT 51. HE SANK IT HARD TO THE TRIGGER GUARD AND FIRED IT 1 2 3 BUT TO HIS SUPRISE SHE JUST CLOSED HER EYES WITH A SMILE OF ECSTASY 52. HE STOOD FOR A WHILE IN AMAZEMENT FEELING JUST LIKE A BLOODY FOOL WHILE A HORRIFIED MAID TRIED TO RENDER FIRST AID TO DEAD EYED DICKS RUINED TOOL 53. AGAIN IT FELL TO ESKIMO NELL TO BREAK THE SEXUAL SPELL YOU GODDAM PUNK YOU CROSS EYED SKUNK YOUR PASSIONS YOU MUST QUELL 54. YOU`D BETTER GO BACK TO YOUR TRAPPING WHERE THERE AREN`T ANY GIRLS THAT ARE NICE BUT BEFORE WE END LETS PART AS FRIENDS LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE ADVICE 55. WHEN NEXT MY FRIEND YOU DO INTEND TO SALLY FORTH FOR SOME FUN PICK DEAD EYED DICK AND ARMOURED PRICK AND YOURSELF A 12-BORE GUN 56. OR EVEN THE TRUNK OF A DOUGLAS FIR IF YOU REALLY WANT TO RAPE THOUGH I MUST ADMIT THATS TOO TIGHT A FIT TO LET THE GAS ESCAPE 57. I THOUGHT YOU JERKS COULD GIVE ME THE WORKS SHE ENDED IN ACCENTS COOL BUT I GUESS I MUST GO TO THE LAND OF THE SNOW TO FIND ME A MAN WITH A TOOL 58. SO NELLIE WENT BACK TO THE YUKON TO THE LAND WHERE SPUNK IS SPUNK NOT A STREAM OF LUKE WARM CREAM BUT A SOLID FROZEN CHUNK 59. BACK TO THE LAND OF THE FROZEN NORTH WHERE THEY KNOW HOW TO COPULATE WHERE THE LUSTY DEAD LIE TWO IN A BED AND THE BABIES MASTURBATE 60. BACK TO THE FAR DISTANT ICE CAP WHERE FRENCH LETTERS ARE MADE OF TIN WHERE THE WOMEN WEAR BARBED WIRE JAM RAGS AND THE MENSTRUAL STREAM IS PURE GIN 61. POOR DEAD EYED DICK AND MEXICAN PETE HAVE NOW LEFT THE RIO GRANDE DEAD EYED DICK WITH HIS RUINED PRICK AND PETE A 12-BORE IN HIS HAND 62. YES THE`VE BOTH GONE BACK TO THAT LITTLE LOG SHACK WHERE THEY`RE PRACTISING NIGHT AND DAY WITH ICE PACKS COOL DICK HEALS HIS TOOL TO PREPARE FOR THE NEXT AFFRAY 63. WHILE MEXICAN PETE HAS HIS 12-BORE GUN WHICH HE FLOURISHES ROUND WITH VIM FIRING HIS BLANKS UP DEAD EYED`S PANTS AND DREAMING OF NELLIES QUIM THE END Hello This was sent out to Royal Navy ships during the 1980`s over Telex. I have the original printout. Remember this being done on ship as a Sods opera and many of the older matelots could recite the whole thing. Was also done when drinking and nominating the next person to carry it on, with forfeit if not correct. A few words used that saw use in the navy such as broad hipped (ship), vim and fathomless that are not seen in the other version. Some different ordering of stanza plus a few other additions. Other words are left spelt wrong as this is how they appear in the original and depending on how they are pronounced give different connotations most obvious being ANAESTHETIC - anus thectic and the use of FULL instead of ful. Hope you enjoy, busterkeeton
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