First heard it from Phil Harris (Jack Benny's band leader). This is the way I sing it for my captive retirement hime people...

THE THING

While I was walking down the beach one bright ’n sunny day,
I saw a great big wooden box a-floatin’ in the bay,
I pulled it in and opened it up and much to my surprise,

Oh, I discovered a (!!!), right before my eyes,
Yes, I discovered a (!!!), right before my eyes.

I picked it up and ran to town as happy as a king.
I took it to a guy I knew who'd buy most anything,
But this is what he hollered at me as I walked in his shop,

Oh, get outta here with that (!!!) before I call a cop,
Oh, get outta here with that (!!!) before I call a cop.

I turned around and got right out, a-runnin' for my life,
And then I took it home with me to give it to my wife,
But this is what she shouted at me as I walked in the door,

Oh, get outta here with that (!!!), and don't come back no more,
Oh, get outta here with that (!!!), and don't come back no more.

I wandered all around the town until I chanced to meet,
A hobo who was looking for a hand-out on the street,
He said he'd take most any old thing, he was a desperate man,

But when I showed him the (!!!), he turned around and ran,
Oh, when I showed him the (!!!), he turned around and ran.

I wandered on for many years, a victim of my fate,
Until one day I came upon St. Peter at the gate,
And when I tried to take it inside, he told me where to go,

Get outta here with that (!!!) and take it down below,
Oh, get outta here with that (!!!) and take it down below.

The moral of this story is if you're out on the beach,
And you should see a great big box and it's within your reach,
Don't ever stop and open it up, that's my advice to you,

'Cause you'll never get rid of the (!!!), no matter what you do,
Oh, you'll never get rid of the (!!!), no matter what you do.