In March 2018, Sergei and Yulia Skripal – and a police officer – were hospitalised in Salisbury, UK, after being poisoned with the nerve agent Novichok. (In June, two more people were hospitalised (one of whom died) after finding a discarded perfume bottle which had contained Novichok).

I wrote this parody in September, after UK authorities charged two Russian nationals with the poisoning. These men – and the Russian government – claimed they were being unfairly maligned; they were simply innocent sports nutritionists on holiday, visiting Salisbury in order to see the historic cathedral's famous spire, although they never quite managed to get there. Apparently, they had trouble finding it (even though it's so tall it can be seen from anywhere in the town), zig-zagging all over the city, then abruptly cutting short their visit – because the weather was too nasty (Russians being very unused to harsh weather, natch!).


Are You Going to Salisbury Town?
©Vikki Appleton Fielden, Sept 2018
TTO Scarborough Fair

Are you going to Salisbury town?
Ricin, novichok and strychnine
We look for friend to show us around
He once was a comrade of mine

We come on holiday, just to admire
Ricin, novichok and strychnine
One hundred twenty-three-metre spire
He once was a comrade of mine

Spire much harder to find than we thought
Ricin, novichok and strychnine
We spend two days taking 'special' shortcut
He once was a comrade of mine

Weather so bad we decide not to go
Ricin, novichok and strychnine
Russians not used to half-inch of snow
He once was a comrade of mine

I am a simple man – just ask my wife
Ricin, novichok and strychnine
Sports nutrition is my whole life!
He once was a comrade of mine

This all so silly – what is big fuss?
Ricin, novichok and strychnine
Hey, why you not feel sorry for us?
He once was a comrade of mine

And if you still think we telling you lie
Ricin, novichok and strychnine
Here is good perfume that you must try
He once was a comrade of mine