St Peter is guarding the gates of heaven one day and finds that he’s desperate to use the toilet.

He calls Jesus over and says “Oi Jesus, I’m dying for a Richard the Third. Can you keep an eye on things for me for 10 minutes before I have an accident in my heavenly robes?”

“No problem Pete” says Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“It’s simple, when you see someone coming up the celestial ladder, ask them what they did on Earth and, if they’re OK to come in and, if they are, let them in. Nothing to it really”

So Jesus waits by the Pearly Gates and sees this man approaching with what looks like a set of carpenters’ tools. He greets the stranger and asks about his life.

The stranger says “Well, I was a carpenter by trade and worked at it all my life”

Jesus asks “Did you have a son?”

“I certainly did” replies the man, “However, he wasn’t born in the usual way and I sent him out into the world to learn and to do good. I pray that one day we’ll be back together”

Jesus can’t believe what he’s hearing, stares at he man through moist eyes and says “Father?”

The man looks at Jesus and through equally moistened eyes he says “Pinocchio?”