The parody below was sparked by a joke sent in to Simon Pia at the Scotsman -- Q. "Have ye had yer John Denver delivered yet?" A. "My what?" Q. "Aye, yer John Denver --'you fill up my census' "
(we're having a national census here in Scotland on the 29th)

YOU FILL OUT MY CENSUS

Words, Copyright Rob Maxtone Graham, 21/4/01
Tune -- Annie's Song, by John Denver.

Ye fill oot ma census, or ye're aff tae the slammer.
Answer thae questions or ye'll pay the price.
We want ye tae mention wha bides in yer gaff.
Where did ye come fae? Whit rooms dae ye have?

Dae ye hae a Rachman or cooncil abune ye?
Dae ye hae a mortgage, or sleep oan the streets?
Wha is whae's kinfowk, or bidey-in partners?
Ye fill oot ma census, it's only ten sheets.

Ye fill oot ma census, or we'll come a-callin'.
Whan wis yer birthday, an' are ye aff sick?
Where dae ye travel an' hoo dae ye get there?
Bike, car or train it, or turn up oan fit?

Whit is yer country an' are ye religious?
Whit does it matter? -- The question is rigged.
I'll gie nae answer -- it's nane o'thur business.
Tak me tae jile, boys, I doan gie a frigg!

Ye fill oot ma census, an' tell us yer colour.
De ye hae the Gaelic, or d'ye ken it not?
They missed oot the question we wanted tae see.
The form's in English, but whit aboot Scots?

Are ye in work, noo, or brooin' a lifestyle?
When wis the last time ye homered fer a friend?
Whae dae ye work fer, whit tickets d'ye hae?
You fill up my census, come fill me again.


Abune =Above, Bidey-in=live-in lover, Fit=foot, Jile=gaol/jail,(on the) Broo= claiming unemployment benefits, Homer=job on the side, Tickets=qualifications/certificates