Let's see if we can get this one out there.

A confidential highly-placed informant inside Microsoft has reported a secret agreement between Microsoft and the Oxford University Press (home of the authoritative Oxford English Dictionary). As a result of sophisticated analysis by teams of Oxford linguists it has become apparent that the English-speaking world is nearing a crisis. The rapid expansion in technical and scientific knowledge has created an unquenchable appetite for neologisms i.e. new words created to describe new developments and experiences. But the current stock of available phonemes (the individual sounds whose combinations distinguish one word from another) is being strained by this demand. It is estimated that the English language has less than fifty years before it uses up all possible phoneme combinations without having to resort to words of awkward length and the unmanagable four-consonant diphthong. The substance of the leaked agreement is the intent to create, as of July 1st, 2005, four new letters in the English alphabet. These letters will allow new phoneme combinations which will stave off the impeding world-wide English language word shortage. Reports that Microsoft will attempt to trademark these new letters are unsubstantiated. Rumour has it that one of the four letters will be a vowel and one will fall into the "sometimes" category with Y.

This announcement is not without its downside. As of January 1, 2006 all existing computer keyboards will become obsolete and will cease functioning except as stand-alone terminals. New keyboards containing the four new letters must be used on all Internet functions. (As a sign of good corporate citizenship Microsoft will donate an as-yet-undetermined number of keyboards to America's schools to allow training on the new layout.) Oxford University Press will release its new CD-ROM Oxford English Dictionary with the new letters. Pre-2005 dictionaries will become rapidly obselete.

Microsoft and Oxford University Press have refused to confirm these reports.