In the interests of accuracy, the following is a lot more like the original McNaughtan than either the above or the DT versions

OOR HAMLET

There was this king sittin' in his gairden all alane
When his brother an his heir poured a wee tait o' henbane
Then he stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the deid king woke and got his son and says 'Hey listen kiddo'
'I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation whit a fraud he is
The kid said 'Right I'll dae it, but I'll have tae play it crafty
So that naebody will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty'
Then with all except Horatio, and he trusts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the boy, he kids on he's round the bend
And because he wisnae ready for obligatory killin'
He tried tae make the king think he's tuppence aff the shillin'
Took the mickey oot Polonius, treated poor Ophelia vile
Tellt Rosencrantz and Guildenstern that Denmark's was a jail
Then a troupe o' travelling actors, like Seven-eighty-four,
Arrived to dae a special one-night gig in Elsinore

Hamlet, Hamlet loved his mammy, Hamlet, Hamlet acting bammy,
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating, Wonders if the ghost's a cheat
And that is how he's waiting

Then hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
While Horatio and him would watch to see if Cludius cracked
The play was called the mousetrap, not the one that's running now
And sure enough the king walks oot before the scene was through
So Hamlet's got the proof that Claudius gied his dad the dose
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows
So while Hamlet tells his ma that her new husband's not a fit one
Uncle Claude puts oot a contract wi' the english king as hit man
And Hamlet killed Polonius the concealed corpus delicti
Was the king's excuse to send him for an english hempen kneck-tie
With Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to make sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger on that pair
Meanwhile Laertes heard his dad had been stabbed through the arras
He came racing back to Elsinore, toot-sweet, hot-foot from Paris
And Ophelia wi' her dad killed by the man she was tae marry
Efter saying it with flowers she committed hari-kiri

Hamlet,Hamlet nae messing Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust Convinced him that men, good or bad
At last must come to dust

Then Laertes lost the place and was demandin' retribution
The king said keep the heid and I'll provide you a solution
He arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
And tae make things double sure the old belt and braces line
He fixed a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and muffed it
'Cause he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it
Hamlet's mammy drank the wine and as her face turned blue
Hamlet sais 'I quite believe the king's a baddy noo
Incestuous, murderous, damned Dane' he said to be precise
And made up for hesitatin' by killing Claudius twice
'Cos he stabbed him with his sword then forced the wine between his lips
He cried 'The rest is silence' that was Hamlet had his chips
They fired a volley ow'er him that shook the top-most rafters
And Fortinbras knee-deep in Danes lived happy ever after

Hamlet, Hamlet a' the gory, Hamlet, Hamlet end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet I'm away If you thought that was boring
You should read the bloody play

Jack