Here are the results of The Rabbie Burns Appreciation Society of Farmington, NH (membership -1) Annual Supper Poetry Contest for a bottle of Auchentoshen Lowland Malt:-
After much thought and even more drink, the judges declared a first place tie between Mr. Ramgunshoch (see above) and Andrew Periale (who is half of Perry Alley Theatre, for people who know the world of puppetry.) His To A Postie is as follows:

Wee sleekit, tim'rous cow'rin postie,
What delusions were in thy boastie
The night thy supervisor kissed thee
Withoot thinkin',
You trembled, turned as pale as ghostie --
She'd been drinkin'!

Your heart was light and a' men brothers,
You'd invite her tae your Mother's,
Wed her, if you had your druthers ...
'Til, enrapt,
You saw her kissin' wi' another,
Something snapped.

Your hand, as clammy as a cod,
From hidden holster drew your rod,
There was nae time for prayers to God
Nor grievin'.
They always said that he was odd --
But now he's even.

In a nine-hour evening, there were many highlights and no punchups, despite a large contingent of Irish persons - although Chris Boyle did have his arm in a sling from a previous encounter and Rory Makem got into a brief altercation with a giant "Happy Birthday Rabbie Burns" helium balloon.
The official Toast tae the Laddies was delivered in broad Russian with alarming vigor by a lady from Leningrad, who then provided an approximate translation, tame in comparison,thus:-

What are we looking for?
A family man in a family van
A party guy with jokes and a keg of beer,
Elvis in a three-piece suit reading Shakespeare,
Sophisticated but domesticated,
A good provider but a cool insider
A guy who can drink with friends till dawn
Then come home ready to mow the lawn
He'll draw his triangles quite congruently
And speak five languages very fluently
Intellectual but strong
He'll talk with us smartly but not for long

I must admit it's not an easy job but I
Suspect there are a few who'll still apply.

For Mudcatters who know Roland Goodbody through his WUNH Ceilidh Show, it must be reported that his version of Tam 'o Shanter, entirely recited without notes or a stumble, was brilliant.
Anyway, thank to Paddy Plastique for a good poetry entry -I explained, prior to reading it, Paddy, about the permanent poisoning of the Hebridean island of Guinard (wasn't it) by the Ministry of Defense after World War II, so they could get the full effect. You came in third.