News has just reached us that Isaac McKittery's bid to be the first Orangeman to row single-handedly from Larne to Sydney has failed.
After 66 days at sea, authorities lost radio contact with the love-stricken billy-boy. Last night, the body of the middle-aged marching man was found washed up on a beach in Thailand. He was naked except for his beloved LOL 666 sash. This, and the new tattoo - a heart bearing the legend "Alison" - helped identify the body.
Police have confirmed that the sash was used to strangle Mr McKittery. They do not suspect a sectarian motive. However, they have confirmed that they have arrested an alleged "love rival" who goes by the name of Derryadd Sam.