Police in the North Armagh area have issued a warning to residents after receiving reports that the Donegal singer, "Enya", a relative of the famous Breathnach dynasty who are responsible for the Clannad travesty, is at large in a highly volatile and disturbed state in the Portydown-Lurgan area.

At 5 am this morning, the musicianer was spotted outside Lurgan barracks, singing "Come Out Ye Black And Tans". When this tirade of abuse went ignored, she stationed herself outside the local Sinn Fein office, where a rendition of "Dolly's Braes" drew no reaction from the bemused chuckies seated within.

Local man Dan McCann (From The Banks Of The Bann, Who Washes His Face In A Frying Pan) gave the following account.

"I was drivin' down past the Balancin' Lakes, listenin' to Susan McCann on Downtown. Great wee singer, thon Susan. No relation to me, mind you! And then a Big Tom song came on. I was listenin' away ... then all of a sudden this mad huzzy jumps out inty the road in front of me.

It was all I could do to slap the anchors on in time!

She was a right cut, the same blade! Drunk as a hatchet. And her nose and mouth dusted in some white powder. Like she'd been sucking a sherbet fountain and let a big cough out of her! A bottle of buckfast in one hand and a bottle of Scotch Mac in the awr!

"Let me in the fockin car" she said.

"Bite my shite!" sez I and away I flew.

Police are warning locals on no account to accompany the deranged Donegal woman on a musical instrument of any sort - in particular not to play synthesisers or any form of sampled "ambient" sounds. The resulting caterwauling could be fatal!