Scene … an interrogation room in Portydown police station.

A chubby, moustachioed guardian of law and order sits in a chair opposite Derek Bell – harpist with the Chieftains.

Bell – What's goin' on? Why huv youse got me here? I'm due to be down in Win'mill Studios in a day or two makin' a new album.

Peeler – You'll be makin' no album, you wee gulpin! I'm gonny make damn sure that you spend the rest of your days where you'll not be able to get your paws on any more drugs!

Bell – I'm buggered, aren't I?

Peeler – You're well goosed, now Bell, that's for sure.

Bell (anxiously) – What if I gave you some information?

Peeler – Such as?

Bell – The person who murdered Nell Flaherty's drake?

Peeler – (can't contain his excitement) You know about thon one?

Bell - (cautiously) Aye. And more besides.

Peeler – I think we might be able to do business! Talk on, boy! Here, d'ye wanny wee child's leg? (He offers a Regal.)

Bell – Thanks. (Lights up. Blows smoke in a thin thread towards the ceiling.) The Ducks Of Magheralin!

Peeler – No!

Bell – Same boyo! McBreen's Heifer.

Peeler – Holly Jaysus! I may sit down!

Bell – You may. For the same fella made off with Paddy McGinty's Goat and An Puc Ar Buile.

Peeler – Holy God!

Bell – Not to be outdone, he made away with The Lark In The Morning, The Lark On The Strand and The Kid On The Mountain!

Peeler – Why? Why?

Bell – To feed his big oul' gut, that's why!

Peeler – Mr Bell. If you could help us track down this hallion, then I promise, we'll drop all charges. Who is it?

Bell – (Smugly) Officer, remove the cuffs! The man you're after is no other than Eamonn Holmes!