A policeman was treated for shock after being subjected to a drive-by "batterin'" last night.

The officer was standing guard outside "Lupari's", a well-known purveyor of the now-illegal bodhrán drum, when two men on a motorbike screeched to a halt outside the shop and subjected him to his thirty-second ordeal.

The officer said "The driver produced a 16" deerskin from under his coat and proceeded to give it "Liverpool-Everton, Liverpool-Everton" for at least four bars. At which point his accomplice, on the pillion, produced an 18" tunable with a cut-out and gave it "Rashers-and-eggs-and-lashings-of-sausages" for a further four or five bars."

The officer was rushed to Altnagelvin Hospital, where he was subjected to intensive solo recordings of John Doherty, Leo Rowsome and Willie Clancy. He is said to have made a complete recovery.