Hey, you know, i had a similar situation in life. i realized that it had so much to do with unresolved issues in my life around a million things. for me, it was family stuff. i was trying so desparately not to feel, to numb out. it wasn't the drinking that was the problem, that was merely a symptom of a much bigger pattern. it cost me my family, and i had no idea what the hell i was doing. my now ex-wife's uncle steered me to the Hoffman Institute, and this program called the "Quadrinity Process." Now, i am so not into the "New Agey" diatribe, and i don't like "group sharing" BS, but that 8 day workshop kicked my ass. it changed my life like you, and i, couldn't have imagined. it is a personal thing, and you don't have to buy into any kind of life long idealism. it was just about breaking down a lot of my life held patterns of dealing with things to what they were really about, analizing them, and then reconstructing everything in a healthy way. it is a couple thousand bucks for the whole thing, and i understand that you don't have any money, but i didn't either, as i was kicked out of my house by my ex (we're working on a friendship now) and living in my car, and they helped me out with a scholarship, and what they couldn't cover, they gave me low monthly payments. that opportunity to hit a reset button on my life was probably cheaper and more effective than 10 years of therapy. now, i consider myself to be a major cynic and a headstrong do-it-yourself musician type who has had some major success (some of you have heard my stuff, believe me), and i don't talk about my Hoffman experience much with people, because it is very perasonal, but i stumbled upon your post looking for a song lyric, and i thought i would share. give the Hoffman people a call. they are really, genuinely interested in helping people, and they will answer your questions in a non-convincing, supportive way. they may tell you that it isn't for you even. who knows. call them. good luck. here is the link: http://www.hoffmaninstitute.org/ you know, when it all comes down to it, it's all about self love. i was brought up to think that loving myself was bad or "selfish" or not giving everything i had to the world and to the people around me. i am now practicing loving my "self", and having more to give. ok. enough about me... YOU WILL BE OK! "it's not the truth that is important, really, it is the search for truth" ---somebody said that, and i can't remember who.