The cleverest man

Some years ago there were three fellows who used to meet every Friday night in the local pub in the East End of London for a drink or two. They would sit in a corner all evening nursing a pint of mild each, in the hope that somebody would buy them another drink. When, as usual, nobody made any offers the first of them would sigh deeply into his empty glass and reach slowly into his pocket and take out a few coins, which he counted out very carefully.

"Well, we may as well have another one I suppose. Same again, lads?" he'd say, and the other two would nod their heads and pass him their empty glasses.

About an hour later the second fellow would notice that his glass was now almost empty again, and that still nobody had come over to buy them a round. With a long mournful sigh he would search all his pockets very slowly and deliberately until he had gathered enough small coins to make a little pile on the table in front of him.

" Well, we might as well have another round. Same again?" he'd say, and the other two would nod their heads and pass him their empty glasses.

As closing time approached the three of them would clutch their glasses and look hopefully around the pub, and then the first two looked fixedly at the third man. He would scratch his whiskers, and reach slowly into his pocket from where he'd draw out his handkerchief and blow his nose loudly several times. At last as the landlord called time he would stand up and dig deeply into his trousers pocket until he found a few small greasy coins.

"Well, I'll get the last round in shall I? Same again?" and the other two would nod their heads and pass him their empty glasses.

That's how things went every Friday night with maybe a little conversation about the weather now and again to pass the time. However one Friday night a stranger came in and spoke the magic words: "Drinks on the house!" He was one of these City types who'd just earned a big bonus and wanted to show off before blowing the lot on a flash car and a villa in Tuscany.

Anyway these three fellows had the drinking spree of their lives. They worked their way through the Highlands by trying all the different Scotch whiskies, and then across to the West Indies by sampling the varieties of rum. They were deep into France with cognac by the time the landlord called time and they found themselves in the dark street outside gloriously and hopelessly drunk.

The first one staggered a few yards and bumped into a wall. After apologising to the wall, he waved goodnight to the other two and set off for home.

"Hey! You're going the wrong way!" they cried. They propped him up between them and they all set off together in the other direction.

Quite soon they were completely lost in a part of town they'd never seen before when the second fellow announced that his bladder was bursting and that he needed to relieve himself urgently. His friends said that they felt just the same so they all looked around to see that nobody was watching and went into a little dark alley to do their business. They were just coming away and buttoning up their flies when the third fellow noticed something glistening in the corner of the alley. Thinking it might be something valuable he went back to pick it up, and he brought it out into the street where they could all see it under a light.

"Oh its only a little old oil lamp." exclaimed the first after inspecting it carefully.

"Its just a bit of junk" said the second. "Throw it back."

"Its like that Aladdin's lamp in the pantomime" said the third. "I'll just give it a little rub and see what happens." So he took out his hankie and rubbed the lamp with it. There was a little spark, and a little "poufff!" not a loud "poufff!" just a little one, and there before them stood a tiny little genie shivering nervously.

"Oh dear me." said the genie. "Listen fellows, I'm just a learner genie, and I haven't passed my exams yet so I can't grant you all three wishes. But I'll tell you what I'll do. You can have one wish each. Will that be alright?"

"Yes, yes, yes." they agreed quickly, and the first man stepped up and said, "I wish that I could be as clever as all those fellows in the City, and as learned and knowledgeable as all the bankers, lawyers and accountants in the whole of London."

"Oh that's easy" said the genie, and went "poufff!" The change that came over the man was amazing to see; he looked more intelligent and the light of knowledge shone out of his eyes.

The second man came forward and he said, "I wish that I could be a hundred times as clever, and as learned, and as knowledgeable as all the City of London." "Oh that's easy" said the genie, and went "poufff!" The man was transformed before their eyes; he looked so wise and wealthy that he could have been the Lord Chancellor himself.

"The third man stood up next and he said, "I wish that I could be a thousand times more clever, and more learned, and more knowledgeable than all the City of London."

"Oh that's easy," said the genie, and "poufff!" he turned him into a woman.