Speaking of retarded cats, does anyone have any ideas for getting mine to quit hanging on our screens? Gilbert's ruined two windows and two doors. He jumps up and hangs, and at the same time claws the screen to make plenty of noise so we will hear him.

We have three other cats; one sits at window level on our car and glares until we let her in, one meows at the door and the other knocks on it.

We've been fighting this battle for three years now. The cat is six. We've tried water and lemon juice, banging the screen on the other side, and removing the screen altogether (which causes him to jump up and repeatedly thud against the window, then balance on the little lip and scratch the window.

We have no intention of installing a cat flap, as there are 65 cats in this neighborhood and half of them come into our yard to beat the crap out of our cats. Our basement window was broken for a few weeks once, and every morning I had to shoo several non-resident cats out of it.

Thanks for any suggestions that will not cause the neighbors to call ASPCA on us.